Thursday, December 31, 2009
Monday, December 28, 2009
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Short Story (12/25/2009): Christmas Nerves
Christmas was standing menacingly over my raw nerves with a meat tenderizer. It drew back its bejingled arm and struck.
I watched the mall Santa sneeze twice right into his gloved hand before he welcomed an anxious (and unsuspecting) toddler onto his disease-riddled lap. My own toddler and I left the Santa line...after waiting for nearly two hours. He cried through three department stores. I explained the danger of germs and disease - and I emphasized the importance of sanitation and hand-washing. He explained (through a series of sobs and screams and enraged arm-twitches) the danger of crossing the will of a 2-year old.
Seeing my nerves not quite tender enough, Christmas prepared another wallop.
My step-mother put way too many onions in the broccoli salad. The recipe calls for "some diced onions" - not as many full onions as there are broccoli florets. If someone wanted onion salad, they would move to a small eastern European village where no one cared about taste or bad breath.
This one really hurt:
I had bought these really cute Converse sneakers for my twin nephews. They had been admiring a similar pair that I had been wearing. I was so excited to see them open my gift. But...on a whim, a whimsical family member of mine, whimsically decided to let the kids open a gift at the very whimsical moment that I whimsically needed to make an emergency trip to bathroom. I can't control when Nature calls - nor can I screen her calls. I missed one of the Christmas moments that I'd planned and hoped for. Thank you, Christmas whimsy.
Christmas Wallop #4
I was listening to some amazing choral Christmas carols while I was washing dishes. The Mormon Tabernacle Choir was singing "Angels We Have Heard on High," and the fortissimo on the "gloria" part was coming threateningly close to making me merry. My sister-in-law waltzed into the kitchen and said, "Ugh...let's listen to something a little more Christmasy." And - right before the final fortissimo refrain, she managed to save the day by finding a slinky saxophone version of "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas."
I really thought I'd had enough tenderizing. I guess Christmas disagreed: it pulled out the Meat Tenderizer 2.0, or as experts on such things refer to it, "The Meat Obliterator."
I settled in the TV room with my kids, my brother's kids, my cousin, and my wife. We decided to watch Miracle on 34th Street together. Most of the kids hadn't seen it, so we adults were excited about sharing this tradition with them. After the hot chocolate was served and the popcorn was popped, right as the movie was beginning, the rest of the clan, who had been doing some late Christmas shopping, burst into the room. Despite their chatter, they insisted that we didn't have to pause our DVD; but they chattered and chattered and talked and talked and stood right in front of the TV screen for interminable periods of time. Every time I attempted to pause the tradition (to be resumed at a more convenient Yuletide moment), someone would issue a hollow apology, say they were getting out of the way, and continue to chatter, talk, and impede the viewing. THEN, someone asked what we were watching. And when my wife informed him it was Miracle on 34th Street, he told us that they had a modern remake of the film on DVD upstairs. And upon retrieving the new DVD and ejecting the old, worthless, original film from the player, he eagerly reassured us that this was much better than the original - because it was in color!
Christmas then added insult to Meat Obliterator-induced injury, by letting it rain all day Christmas Eve - with temperatures at 39-degrees. So close to beautiful snow; but so amazingly far away.
Then it added a few more jolly wallops:
I aggravated a back injury while trying to help my dad get presents out of the closet to wrap.
No one enjoyed my favorite board-game (Balderdash), so we played a no-holds-barred game of Jenga instead.
My sister's new boyfriend Tyler was the most annoying person with the most annoying voice ever. He sounded like what the offspring of Gilbert Gottfried and Marge Simpson's sister might sound like - if you force-fed him helium-inflated balloons, popped them seconds later by jamming a darning needle into his esophagus, and enrolled him in an online horse-training degree program.
Instead of receiving the Flight of the Conchords box set that I had requested, my wife bought me an old Disney film called The Flight of the Navigator. Then she labeled it "From your loving kids," so I couldn't blame her.
Spaghetti? For Christmas dinner?
My uncle Jeff is a self-indulgent, self-important, know-it-all. He can't be wrong or sorry about anything he's ever done - including the $106,000 of debt he has incurred making sure he appears cutting-edge, or interesting, or smart, or whatever he's striving for...
Who cut my brother's hair before his vacation? His twin three-year-olds? One operating a paper-cutter while the other one trimmed with a sharpened tortilla chip?
It was almost sickening how much horrifying junk food some people in my family eat! They mechanically graze on fudge, peanut brittle, peppermint bark, or anything remotely sweet within grasping distance. I think my sister once ate a soggy half-brownie that had fallen from my toddler's high-chair tray!
It would have been an ideal time to have a run-in with a homeless veteran, a single parent, a starving child in a third-world country, or even an insightful stranger in an elevator. Someone was supposed to remind me of the true, selfless meaning of Christmas to infuse mirth to my holiday and remedy my mangled nerves.
In fact, my situation might have even warranted a word from the Almighty!
But my reminder came, in fact, from an unexpected and unwanted source: my sister's new boyfriend, Tyler. He called me something terrible and unrepeatable.
My sister volunteered him to drive with me to the airport to pick up my youngest brother Alex. I guess we needed some alone time to form an everlasting, brother-in-law-to-be bond. The first few moments of the trip (from the garage to the end of the driveway) went very well: Tyler didn't open his mouth once. Then he opened it for a matter of moments...and we drove all the way to the airport in the complete silent wake that followed the words he spoke. He said:
"Dave, in the short time that I've known you, I can't help but realize that you are a complete [something terrible and unrepeatable]. I can't believe you treat your wife and family like you do. You're always rolling your eyes and making that self-righteous "hmmph" noise when things don't go like you want them to. You think people don't notice that? What's great is: they do...and they put up with your [something terrible and unrepeatable with the rhetorical suffix "-ness"] anyways. Because miraculously, they love you for who you are. And you condescendingly sneer at their inferior taste or their lack of dignified respect for traditions.
"I only relate my observation because I'm going to break up with your sister in a few weeks and I don't care what you think of me - as a person or a potential in-law. You aren't self-aware. You think you are; and that makes you think you're better than people. You're a fool. And you need to change."
Then Tyler paused and seemed to stare at me for entire minutes. I never had once taken my eyes off the road.
"It's good advice," he said. "Take it or leave it."
Then he turned the radio on. Christmas music. Saxophone. "Silver Bells." Very jazzy and inappropriate.
I didn't talk to anyone about my "conversation" with Tyler. But it played in my mind for days. Naturally, he's right about everything.
I've set about mending my wayward ways:
I've made my "hmmph" noises almost inaudible. I refrain from rolling my eyes, and, if the eye-rolling is a must, I just pretending I'm checking ceiling fans for dust on a whim.
I've let my guard down against what I classify as "non-traditional" holiday activities, like horse-related conversations around the fire or Mediterranean cuisine at Anglo-Saxon feast settings.
I've almost learned to tamp down that gag reflex when I run across a cache of unwelcome onions in a salad (still working on the involuntary swearing).
I now carry hand-sanitizer in a miniature bottle on my key chain.
I watched that Navigator movie and really enjoyed it. I graciously thanked my kids...but not my wife.
I posted a very official looking edict on the wall of the TV room that outlines my feelings on Christmas movie remakes. People can still watch them: but they will be doing it in willful violation of my edict. The edict states that there is no official punishment, but I will be entitled to "hmmph" loudly and make tasteless jokes about the actors.
My doctor diagnosed me with IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome). I don't know how this directly relates to my Christmas Bowel Syndrome (...or Irritable Christmas Syndrome, whichever makes more sense), except for the part where I missed seeing my nephews open my gift, but I will eternally blame it for everything. Ever. Including my upcoming mid-life crisis.
And...I downloaded some Kenny G and Josh Groban onto my iPod. I still hate it, but listening to it helps me understand the minds of less advanced holiday celebrators.
Come on, Christmas 2010! Hit me with your best shot!
I watched the mall Santa sneeze twice right into his gloved hand before he welcomed an anxious (and unsuspecting) toddler onto his disease-riddled lap. My own toddler and I left the Santa line...after waiting for nearly two hours. He cried through three department stores. I explained the danger of germs and disease - and I emphasized the importance of sanitation and hand-washing. He explained (through a series of sobs and screams and enraged arm-twitches) the danger of crossing the will of a 2-year old.
Seeing my nerves not quite tender enough, Christmas prepared another wallop.
My step-mother put way too many onions in the broccoli salad. The recipe calls for "some diced onions" - not as many full onions as there are broccoli florets. If someone wanted onion salad, they would move to a small eastern European village where no one cared about taste or bad breath.
This one really hurt:
I had bought these really cute Converse sneakers for my twin nephews. They had been admiring a similar pair that I had been wearing. I was so excited to see them open my gift. But...on a whim, a whimsical family member of mine, whimsically decided to let the kids open a gift at the very whimsical moment that I whimsically needed to make an emergency trip to bathroom. I can't control when Nature calls - nor can I screen her calls. I missed one of the Christmas moments that I'd planned and hoped for. Thank you, Christmas whimsy.
Christmas Wallop #4
I was listening to some amazing choral Christmas carols while I was washing dishes. The Mormon Tabernacle Choir was singing "Angels We Have Heard on High," and the fortissimo on the "gloria" part was coming threateningly close to making me merry. My sister-in-law waltzed into the kitchen and said, "Ugh...let's listen to something a little more Christmasy." And - right before the final fortissimo refrain, she managed to save the day by finding a slinky saxophone version of "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas."
I really thought I'd had enough tenderizing. I guess Christmas disagreed: it pulled out the Meat Tenderizer 2.0, or as experts on such things refer to it, "The Meat Obliterator."
I settled in the TV room with my kids, my brother's kids, my cousin, and my wife. We decided to watch Miracle on 34th Street together. Most of the kids hadn't seen it, so we adults were excited about sharing this tradition with them. After the hot chocolate was served and the popcorn was popped, right as the movie was beginning, the rest of the clan, who had been doing some late Christmas shopping, burst into the room. Despite their chatter, they insisted that we didn't have to pause our DVD; but they chattered and chattered and talked and talked and stood right in front of the TV screen for interminable periods of time. Every time I attempted to pause the tradition (to be resumed at a more convenient Yuletide moment), someone would issue a hollow apology, say they were getting out of the way, and continue to chatter, talk, and impede the viewing. THEN, someone asked what we were watching. And when my wife informed him it was Miracle on 34th Street, he told us that they had a modern remake of the film on DVD upstairs. And upon retrieving the new DVD and ejecting the old, worthless, original film from the player, he eagerly reassured us that this was much better than the original - because it was in color!
Christmas then added insult to Meat Obliterator-induced injury, by letting it rain all day Christmas Eve - with temperatures at 39-degrees. So close to beautiful snow; but so amazingly far away.
Then it added a few more jolly wallops:
I aggravated a back injury while trying to help my dad get presents out of the closet to wrap.
No one enjoyed my favorite board-game (Balderdash), so we played a no-holds-barred game of Jenga instead.
My sister's new boyfriend Tyler was the most annoying person with the most annoying voice ever. He sounded like what the offspring of Gilbert Gottfried and Marge Simpson's sister might sound like - if you force-fed him helium-inflated balloons, popped them seconds later by jamming a darning needle into his esophagus, and enrolled him in an online horse-training degree program.
Instead of receiving the Flight of the Conchords box set that I had requested, my wife bought me an old Disney film called The Flight of the Navigator. Then she labeled it "From your loving kids," so I couldn't blame her.
Spaghetti? For Christmas dinner?
My uncle Jeff is a self-indulgent, self-important, know-it-all. He can't be wrong or sorry about anything he's ever done - including the $106,000 of debt he has incurred making sure he appears cutting-edge, or interesting, or smart, or whatever he's striving for...
Who cut my brother's hair before his vacation? His twin three-year-olds? One operating a paper-cutter while the other one trimmed with a sharpened tortilla chip?
It was almost sickening how much horrifying junk food some people in my family eat! They mechanically graze on fudge, peanut brittle, peppermint bark, or anything remotely sweet within grasping distance. I think my sister once ate a soggy half-brownie that had fallen from my toddler's high-chair tray!
It would have been an ideal time to have a run-in with a homeless veteran, a single parent, a starving child in a third-world country, or even an insightful stranger in an elevator. Someone was supposed to remind me of the true, selfless meaning of Christmas to infuse mirth to my holiday and remedy my mangled nerves.
In fact, my situation might have even warranted a word from the Almighty!
But my reminder came, in fact, from an unexpected and unwanted source: my sister's new boyfriend, Tyler. He called me something terrible and unrepeatable.
My sister volunteered him to drive with me to the airport to pick up my youngest brother Alex. I guess we needed some alone time to form an everlasting, brother-in-law-to-be bond. The first few moments of the trip (from the garage to the end of the driveway) went very well: Tyler didn't open his mouth once. Then he opened it for a matter of moments...and we drove all the way to the airport in the complete silent wake that followed the words he spoke. He said:
"Dave, in the short time that I've known you, I can't help but realize that you are a complete [something terrible and unrepeatable]. I can't believe you treat your wife and family like you do. You're always rolling your eyes and making that self-righteous "hmmph" noise when things don't go like you want them to. You think people don't notice that? What's great is: they do...and they put up with your [something terrible and unrepeatable with the rhetorical suffix "-ness"] anyways. Because miraculously, they love you for who you are. And you condescendingly sneer at their inferior taste or their lack of dignified respect for traditions.
"I only relate my observation because I'm going to break up with your sister in a few weeks and I don't care what you think of me - as a person or a potential in-law. You aren't self-aware. You think you are; and that makes you think you're better than people. You're a fool. And you need to change."
Then Tyler paused and seemed to stare at me for entire minutes. I never had once taken my eyes off the road.
"It's good advice," he said. "Take it or leave it."
Then he turned the radio on. Christmas music. Saxophone. "Silver Bells." Very jazzy and inappropriate.
I didn't talk to anyone about my "conversation" with Tyler. But it played in my mind for days. Naturally, he's right about everything.
I've set about mending my wayward ways:
I've made my "hmmph" noises almost inaudible. I refrain from rolling my eyes, and, if the eye-rolling is a must, I just pretending I'm checking ceiling fans for dust on a whim.
I've let my guard down against what I classify as "non-traditional" holiday activities, like horse-related conversations around the fire or Mediterranean cuisine at Anglo-Saxon feast settings.
I've almost learned to tamp down that gag reflex when I run across a cache of unwelcome onions in a salad (still working on the involuntary swearing).
I now carry hand-sanitizer in a miniature bottle on my key chain.
I watched that Navigator movie and really enjoyed it. I graciously thanked my kids...but not my wife.
I posted a very official looking edict on the wall of the TV room that outlines my feelings on Christmas movie remakes. People can still watch them: but they will be doing it in willful violation of my edict. The edict states that there is no official punishment, but I will be entitled to "hmmph" loudly and make tasteless jokes about the actors.
My doctor diagnosed me with IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome). I don't know how this directly relates to my Christmas Bowel Syndrome (...or Irritable Christmas Syndrome, whichever makes more sense), except for the part where I missed seeing my nephews open my gift, but I will eternally blame it for everything. Ever. Including my upcoming mid-life crisis.
And...I downloaded some Kenny G and Josh Groban onto my iPod. I still hate it, but listening to it helps me understand the minds of less advanced holiday celebrators.
Come on, Christmas 2010! Hit me with your best shot!
Friday, December 18, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Poem by an anonymous freshman
This poem must be shared with the world (I didn't actually get permission...but I think he'd be glad I'm broadcasting his brilliance). These were the directions for one of my freshmen exam questions: Write a poem (at least four lines) that is either free verse or uses personification. This is what I got:
Volcano
I watch a volcano
It rumbles as if it were mad
When the lava comes out
It looks like it is wearing a red dress
So I ask God to calm the volcano down
So the volcano opens the top
To listen with its ears
Because it wants to hear God talk.
I watch a volcano
It rumbles as if it were mad
When the lava comes out
It looks like it is wearing a red dress
So I ask God to calm the volcano down
So the volcano opens the top
To listen with its ears
Because it wants to hear God talk.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
More Scarlet Letter Projects
This cupcake-A-sculpture atop a scaffold exhibits a very swarthy-looking Hester replete with swarthy-looking baby Pearl. I think the immensity of the letter itself (both on Hester's outfit and engulfing the scaffold) is surely meant to symbolize the immensity of Hester's sin and her vast loneliness in bearing it.
It is rare that a cookie sheet so aptly portrays the symbolic representations of Hawthorne's novel. The A-besmirched tombstone parallels death with Hester's shame - AND gives a snarky wink to Dimmesdale's "buried" guilt. The scene depicted on cookie's right hemisphere shows the symbolic rose spurting hope and regeneration outside the ghastly Puritan prison door.
The white tapestery of icing is besmirched by the symbolic M&M candies - scarlet M&M candies! The brief pleasure of sin (signified by the rich milk chocolate in a crunchy-candy coating) leaves its eternal mark on the soul. (Also, if you look closely, the M&M candies form the letter A on each cookie! Brilliant, yet subtle!)
Monday, December 14, 2009
Scarlet Letter Project: Janie, Josh, Brittany, and Bethany
This is definitely A+ work...and I grade on a very difficult scale.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Highlights: UNC #12 vs. Kentucky #5 at Rupp Arena
The Wildcats put together an impressive 28-2 run in the first half, but the Tarheels came back to make it a nail-biter after John Wall's second-half playing time was limited by cramping. This was UK's first real test. And they passed. If they can maintain the kind of energy and execution that they showed during the first half (and there's no reason why they can't if you factor in a few mroe tough games-worth of maturity), they can beat any team in the nation! Patrick Patterson has proved my doubts about his adapting to Calipari's dribble-drive offense completely unfounded. He's flourishing! I guess Coach Gillispie somehow managed to totally misuse and diminish Pat's ability and usage. Calipari + Patterson + the best recruiting class in college history = Final Four!
Highlights: West Ham 0-4 Manchester United
Gibson scores his third right-footed screamer of the week! I love the keeper's celebration after the fourth goal. I don't know if he's trying to emualate Nani or Peter Schmeichel, but he did a pretty good impersonation of my brother in this video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GOXRSdJiJ7k
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Why I'm not in the Christmas play this year
Now I have a good reason to say, "I don't think so," whenever Jeremy asks if he can kick a bottle off of my head. It's not that I don't trust him...okay...I don't trust him. I mean, he's got a lot more reason to roundhouse-kick me than his buddy Craig: I grade his papers!
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Highlight: Manchester United 2-0 Spurs
These future stars are already household names for the Manchester United fans: Gibson, Macheda, Welbeck, et al. I love how this highlight compilation shows Gibson's first effort - a one-timer that comes closer to hitting the corner flag - before showing two incredible long-range goals. The second was the most impressive.
Manchester United 2 – 0 Tottenham (Carling Cup) 01.12.2009
by manchesterunitedinfo
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Highlights: UNC-Asheville and Kentucky at Freedom Hall
Apparently, UNC-Asheville has had little experience defending the lob pass. What was that? Like twenty-five alley-oops? The 'Cats are 7-0 - best start since Adolph Rupp was coach!
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Highlights: Portsmouth 1-4 Manchester United
I couldn't figure out what the referee saw when he awarded Portsmouth their penalty, but upon seeing that super-slow-motion replay, there was an obvious shirt-tug by Vidic. Giggs and Valencia were fantastic on the outsides (commentators officially called it a 4-3-3), but Rooney did his job (finishing chances) and got his hat-trick.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
John Wall is lightning!
Even though Rider didn't provide the greatest of competition, Kentucky showed the ability to guard against the perimeter attack - something they couldn't do against their two previous opponents. And they continued with an offensive blitzkrieg led by John Wall, who might actually be the best player in the nation...as a freshman. He just attacks the basket with incredible speed and control.
Friday, November 13, 2009
TCA @ Praisers Review
I'm only speculating that the "T" in TCA stands for some town in Kentucky with a name that starts with "T," but I've been wrong before. So, maybe it's Turfway...maybe it's something more colorful like Turtleburg. TCA's volleyball squad only avoided a two-game sweep by stealing game 2 against the Praisers' second team.
When the two schools squared off in basketball, it was a much more even contest. The lead changed multiple time since it was a game of runs, spurts, and cold-spells. Praisers guard Eric Martin was the leading scorer for the Praisers. He and senior guard Chris Watson-Huff (who started in place of Anthony Frederick, who did not start due to a late coaching decision) spear-headed a ferocious full-court trap that forced a multitude of TCA turnovers. In fact, the majority of the Praisers' field goals came from fast-break points off turnovers. But, when the trap failed, the forwards could not slow the dribble of the TCA front-men. It seemed as if when TCA had the ball, one of two things was inevitable: there would be a steal and a Praisers' bucket or TCA would get an uncontested lay-up from a big guy at the other end.
Inevitably, TCA jumped out to an eight-point lead late in the third quarter. Of course, Coach K's boys scrambled back into the contest by forcing turnovers and getting easy buckets. And senior center Caleb Wheeler asserted his influence at long last by grabbing every rebound and contesting every TCA shot. Late in the fourth, the Praisers led by four points; but they could not hold off the TCA charge. TCA continued to get past the pressure (miraculously, at times) and finish at the rim.
The game headed to overtime, tied 57-57. Almost as if on some sort of Groundhog Day repeat-cycle, the same scenario played out in overtime: the Praisers took a seemingly decisive lead thanks to a run - only to relenquish the lead and lose the game ultimately, by five points.
Here are my Keys for Improvement:
1. Some adjustments need to made to the live by the press, die by the press mentality. Chris and Eric can still force turnovers inside their own half. But there were only a handful of TCA half-court sets that resulted in points. I'd guess that over 75% of their buckets came in transition. Someone has to get back on defense!
2. This only applies to teams with lots of size (like TCA), but the Praisers need to work on going inside-out with the passing. The perimeter movement is good as ever, but a new aspect needs to surface. With new big guys (Wheeler and junior-high sensation Brian McDowell), this would be extremely useful. The perimeter would open wide for shooters to find their touch (or confidence) which would in turn open up the post for ...
3. Caleb Wheeler to establish himself as a post-threat. His footwork is still only primarily effective and needs to improve fast. He needs to learn to use the pivot foot on either side of a power-dribble to find a high-percentage shot every time he gets the ball isolated one-on-one in the post. He finds himself in decent post position - but he has been fading to shoot instead of leaning and finishing strong.
When the two schools squared off in basketball, it was a much more even contest. The lead changed multiple time since it was a game of runs, spurts, and cold-spells. Praisers guard Eric Martin was the leading scorer for the Praisers. He and senior guard Chris Watson-Huff (who started in place of Anthony Frederick, who did not start due to a late coaching decision) spear-headed a ferocious full-court trap that forced a multitude of TCA turnovers. In fact, the majority of the Praisers' field goals came from fast-break points off turnovers. But, when the trap failed, the forwards could not slow the dribble of the TCA front-men. It seemed as if when TCA had the ball, one of two things was inevitable: there would be a steal and a Praisers' bucket or TCA would get an uncontested lay-up from a big guy at the other end.
Inevitably, TCA jumped out to an eight-point lead late in the third quarter. Of course, Coach K's boys scrambled back into the contest by forcing turnovers and getting easy buckets. And senior center Caleb Wheeler asserted his influence at long last by grabbing every rebound and contesting every TCA shot. Late in the fourth, the Praisers led by four points; but they could not hold off the TCA charge. TCA continued to get past the pressure (miraculously, at times) and finish at the rim.
The game headed to overtime, tied 57-57. Almost as if on some sort of Groundhog Day repeat-cycle, the same scenario played out in overtime: the Praisers took a seemingly decisive lead thanks to a run - only to relenquish the lead and lose the game ultimately, by five points.
Here are my Keys for Improvement:
1. Some adjustments need to made to the live by the press, die by the press mentality. Chris and Eric can still force turnovers inside their own half. But there were only a handful of TCA half-court sets that resulted in points. I'd guess that over 75% of their buckets came in transition. Someone has to get back on defense!
2. This only applies to teams with lots of size (like TCA), but the Praisers need to work on going inside-out with the passing. The perimeter movement is good as ever, but a new aspect needs to surface. With new big guys (Wheeler and junior-high sensation Brian McDowell), this would be extremely useful. The perimeter would open wide for shooters to find their touch (or confidence) which would in turn open up the post for ...
3. Caleb Wheeler to establish himself as a post-threat. His footwork is still only primarily effective and needs to improve fast. He needs to learn to use the pivot foot on either side of a power-dribble to find a high-percentage shot every time he gets the ball isolated one-on-one in the post. He finds himself in decent post position - but he has been fading to shoot instead of leaning and finishing strong.
Friday, November 6, 2009
1998-1999: The Treble Year for Manchester United
This shows the best of the 1998-1999 campaign for Manchester United. It features goals from the likes of Dwight Yorke, Andy Cole, Ryan Giggs, David Beckham, Paul Scholes, Ole Gunner Solskjaer, Roy Keane, Teddy Sheringham...even one from Jaap Staam (did I put too many a's in there?). And the video is somehow only 5:00. Wonderful to watch.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
My favorite footballer of all time...
I actually get emotional when I watch these clips. Balance, speed, poise, creativity, finishing, inspiration, and aspiration - Giggsy is pure genius. I honestly don't see how the ESPN.Soccernet reporters can be such Manchester United haters: United have Ryan Giggs. This is the number one reason why I support United...and will forever!
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Update: Week 5 Goals
Just wanted to follow up on this week's lofty goals. So far I've got a few things done:
- I haven't got that koala sketch finished...still a work in progress. ART takes time (I always capitlize ART...however, I do not always remember to put another "a" in "capitAlize")
- I have tried out my new sonic flag football belts: I'm not impressed and I want a refund.
- The Elizabethan high-five is looking promising. I mentioned recently the "roundhouse high-five." The Elizabethan high-five is probably going to be a roundhouse high-five performed very slowly...kind of like some sort of Elizabethan ballroom dance...and then we'll sort of change places and do it again but counter-clockwise. Comments and suggestions are welcome.
- Got some French Vanilla coffee creamer just in time.
- Freshmen did amazingly well on their literature tests. I'm *sniff* almost proud of them.
- And, finally here's the opening stanza of my no-holds-barred lyric celebrating sock puppetry:
Cloth they remain, yet when they obtain
Their all important roles,
With hands inside, they feel new pain
Deep inside their soles.
- I haven't got that koala sketch finished...still a work in progress. ART takes time (I always capitlize ART...however, I do not always remember to put another "a" in "capitAlize")
- I have tried out my new sonic flag football belts: I'm not impressed and I want a refund.
- The Elizabethan high-five is looking promising. I mentioned recently the "roundhouse high-five." The Elizabethan high-five is probably going to be a roundhouse high-five performed very slowly...kind of like some sort of Elizabethan ballroom dance...and then we'll sort of change places and do it again but counter-clockwise. Comments and suggestions are welcome.
- Got some French Vanilla coffee creamer just in time.
- Freshmen did amazingly well on their literature tests. I'm *sniff* almost proud of them.
- And, finally here's the opening stanza of my no-holds-barred lyric celebrating sock puppetry:
Cloth they remain, yet when they obtain
Their all important roles,
With hands inside, they feel new pain
Deep inside their soles.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Week 5: Goals (some of which are not lofty)
1. Convince ten tenth-graders that a novel that does not include (too much) mayhem and adventure (like Silas Marner) can be enjoyable and profitable to read.
2. Convince freshmen that studying for Vocabulary/Spelling quizzes is not optional.
3. Try out my new sonic flag-belts for flag football in P.E.
4. Remember to take snack bar orders in home room at least one day this week.
5. Wear a sweater-vest at least one time.
6. Get some coffee-creamer for the academy mini-fridge that isn't hazelnut.
7. Portray my enthusiasm for Elizabethan literature without appearing to eager: I plan on doing this by (a.) not letting my voice crack with excitement when I explain the "Marlowe assignment," and (b.) not creating a special Elizabethan high five.
8. Take a "writing break" in each of my English classes to encourage creative writing.
9. Initiate a campaign that promotes irony as "ah-ha" funny and not always "ha-ha" funny.
10. Write a compare and contrast paragraph about Dr. Pepper and Pibb Xtra.
11. Draw a really good picture of a koala bear holding a 12-gauge shotgun.
12. Avoid crying while grading English 9 literature tests.
13. Explain why Quixote is not pronounced with an x sound while quixotic is.
14. Avoid repeatedly banging my head on my desk when I find out how few of my freshmen actually read their book report books.
15. Perfect my Silas Marner impersonation.
16. Perform a one-minute pantomime of Booker T. Washington's autiobiography Up from Slavery.
17. Sing the praises of sock puppetry in a no-holds-barred lyrical ode.
18. Remind one specific junior that Wildfire was not a person. He was a horse.
2. Convince freshmen that studying for Vocabulary/Spelling quizzes is not optional.
3. Try out my new sonic flag-belts for flag football in P.E.
4. Remember to take snack bar orders in home room at least one day this week.
5. Wear a sweater-vest at least one time.
6. Get some coffee-creamer for the academy mini-fridge that isn't hazelnut.
7. Portray my enthusiasm for Elizabethan literature without appearing to eager: I plan on doing this by (a.) not letting my voice crack with excitement when I explain the "Marlowe assignment," and (b.) not creating a special Elizabethan high five.
8. Take a "writing break" in each of my English classes to encourage creative writing.
9. Initiate a campaign that promotes irony as "ah-ha" funny and not always "ha-ha" funny.
10. Write a compare and contrast paragraph about Dr. Pepper and Pibb Xtra.
11. Draw a really good picture of a koala bear holding a 12-gauge shotgun.
12. Avoid crying while grading English 9 literature tests.
13. Explain why Quixote is not pronounced with an x sound while quixotic is.
14. Avoid repeatedly banging my head on my desk when I find out how few of my freshmen actually read their book report books.
15. Perfect my Silas Marner impersonation.
16. Perform a one-minute pantomime of Booker T. Washington's autiobiography Up from Slavery.
17. Sing the praises of sock puppetry in a no-holds-barred lyrical ode.
18. Remind one specific junior that Wildfire was not a person. He was a horse.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Teaching: Why I'll keep doing it for a while
One of my freshmen talked like an android for the entire period yesterday. I had no problem with that: it meant that he talked less because he had to keep remembering to use his android voice. It was one of my quietest 5th periods to date.
Android freshman gave up on that today. I guess he's showing off an array of thespian abilities. Today's task: be sad. He gave a weepy prayer request that he needed to find Joy. I looked up later in class, and he had cried two symmetrical tears from each eye. He was ironically overjoyed with his ability to cry on cue like a real Hollywood actor (like Britney Spears).
I guess I should have given this anecdote previously. I was saying something along these lines when talking about medieval pageant wagons - "...if you consider yourself some sort of serious big-time actor, like ... well I can't think of anyone right now." (don't ask about the complete context because I don't remember) - and one of my seniors offered the great screen legend...Britney Spears. I gave him "the look" and a B for daily participation.
One of my juniors bought me a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles comic book last week. I don't think he even knew it was my birthday. The backstory there: last semester, I set some sort of teaching record by alluding to the Ninja Turtles in like 88 straight 6th period classes. I guess he was (rightly) impressed. (One of my better allusions was when I said Daren looked like a member of the Foot Clan when he had his hoodie bunched over his face. I also liked my comparison of the greenish fruit punch at the Senior party to mutant ooze.)
I personally enjoy greeting the early junior high arrivals with renditions of "Good Morning!" and "How's Everyone Doing?" in my ethereal falsetto singing voice. They've started doing it back and it's really funny. It's especially funny that they think it's falsetto when it's actually just their voice cracking (kidding).
The new trend is "roundhouse high fives." No explanation needed. They're dangerous though. Don't walk by during.
Android freshman gave up on that today. I guess he's showing off an array of thespian abilities. Today's task: be sad. He gave a weepy prayer request that he needed to find Joy. I looked up later in class, and he had cried two symmetrical tears from each eye. He was ironically overjoyed with his ability to cry on cue like a real Hollywood actor (like Britney Spears).
I guess I should have given this anecdote previously. I was saying something along these lines when talking about medieval pageant wagons - "...if you consider yourself some sort of serious big-time actor, like ... well I can't think of anyone right now." (don't ask about the complete context because I don't remember) - and one of my seniors offered the great screen legend...Britney Spears. I gave him "the look" and a B for daily participation.
One of my juniors bought me a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles comic book last week. I don't think he even knew it was my birthday. The backstory there: last semester, I set some sort of teaching record by alluding to the Ninja Turtles in like 88 straight 6th period classes. I guess he was (rightly) impressed. (One of my better allusions was when I said Daren looked like a member of the Foot Clan when he had his hoodie bunched over his face. I also liked my comparison of the greenish fruit punch at the Senior party to mutant ooze.)
I personally enjoy greeting the early junior high arrivals with renditions of "Good Morning!" and "How's Everyone Doing?" in my ethereal falsetto singing voice. They've started doing it back and it's really funny. It's especially funny that they think it's falsetto when it's actually just their voice cracking (kidding).
The new trend is "roundhouse high fives." No explanation needed. They're dangerous though. Don't walk by during.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Week 2 Learning
A glimpse at what we're studying this week:
English IV
- The Venerable Bede and The Ecclesiastical History of the English People which includes the stories of Caedmon and the conversion of King Edwin.
- Beginning a new unit on medieval literature (Chaucer and all that)
English III
- Making our paragraphs unified and coherent
- Beginning a new unit on American wit and humor (Twain, etc.)
English I
- Focus on spelling and vocabulary
- Composing short poems on space/stars (ranged from lullabies to contemplative lyrics to haikus to haunting love ballads)
English II
- Literary terms and the short story.
- Beginning a new unit on narrative poetry (Robert Browning, Edna St. Vincent Millay and others)
Bible 10
- No classes this week due to revised Revival schedule
P.E.
- Softball!! Automatic game-over-your-team-wins if you hit a passing Metro bus.
English IV
- The Venerable Bede and The Ecclesiastical History of the English People which includes the stories of Caedmon and the conversion of King Edwin.
- Beginning a new unit on medieval literature (Chaucer and all that)
English III
- Making our paragraphs unified and coherent
- Beginning a new unit on American wit and humor (Twain, etc.)
English I
- Focus on spelling and vocabulary
- Composing short poems on space/stars (ranged from lullabies to contemplative lyrics to haikus to haunting love ballads)
English II
- Literary terms and the short story.
- Beginning a new unit on narrative poetry (Robert Browning, Edna St. Vincent Millay and others)
Bible 10
- No classes this week due to revised Revival schedule
P.E.
- Softball!! Automatic game-over-your-team-wins if you hit a passing Metro bus.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Weekend matches
Wigan 0-5 United
Scorers: Rooney (2), Berbatov, Owen, and Nani.
Michael Owen's first Premier League goal with Manchester United...and what a finish!
Hull City 1-0 Bolton
Scorer: Ghilas
Jozy's first touch in the EPL created that goal. He had several more chances and was unlucky not to score. I think he'll get the start next time out.
Scorers: Rooney (2), Berbatov, Owen, and Nani.
Michael Owen's first Premier League goal with Manchester United...and what a finish!
Hull City 1-0 Bolton
Scorer: Ghilas
Jozy's first touch in the EPL created that goal. He had several more chances and was unlucky not to score. I think he'll get the start next time out.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
First week of school
Here's what we're studying during week one:
English IV
- "Death Be Not Proud" by John Donne
- excerpts from Beowulf
- the history of Anglo-Saxon poetry
- a little bit of the history of the Anglo-Saxons
English III
- "America for Me" by Henry van Dyke
- review of the four steps of the writing process
- focus on the 'Plan' step of the writing process (brainstorming, categorizing ideas, narrowing down topics, etc.)
English II
- "Good Morning, Miss Dove" by Francis Patton
- elements of the short story
- focus on characterization (indirect and direct) and types of characters (dynamic and static)
- composing character sketches
English I
- "God Sees the Truth, but Waits" by Leo Tolstoy
- common themes throughout literature
- focus on the themes of universal truths and wisdom
- basic manuscript form
- principal review of basic grammar
Bible 10
- story of the Fall (Adam and Eve)
- "With great privilege comes great responsibility." (Yes, I quoted Peter Parker's uncle in Bible class.)
- Genesis 3:15: And I will put enmity between thee and the woman, and between thy seed and her seed; it shall bruise thy head, and thou shalt bruise his heel.
P.E.
- how not to be a total spaz
English IV
- "Death Be Not Proud" by John Donne
- excerpts from Beowulf
- the history of Anglo-Saxon poetry
- a little bit of the history of the Anglo-Saxons
English III
- "America for Me" by Henry van Dyke
- review of the four steps of the writing process
- focus on the 'Plan' step of the writing process (brainstorming, categorizing ideas, narrowing down topics, etc.)
English II
- "Good Morning, Miss Dove" by Francis Patton
- elements of the short story
- focus on characterization (indirect and direct) and types of characters (dynamic and static)
- composing character sketches
English I
- "God Sees the Truth, but Waits" by Leo Tolstoy
- common themes throughout literature
- focus on the themes of universal truths and wisdom
- basic manuscript form
- principal review of basic grammar
Bible 10
- story of the Fall (Adam and Eve)
- "With great privilege comes great responsibility." (Yes, I quoted Peter Parker's uncle in Bible class.)
- Genesis 3:15: And I will put enmity between thee and the woman, and between thy seed and her seed; it shall bruise thy head, and thou shalt bruise his heel.
P.E.
- how not to be a total spaz
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Blog philosophy
I'm pretty sure that I need to post more frequently to warrant the amount of triviality that I post. If one posts only two or three entries in a week, and one of those entries is a YouTube video of Anderson scoring a free kick goal against Boca Juniors, then that must have been a really important goal/entry. Right? Well, it wasn't. It was just a friendly game. Thus, I must up the regularity of these posts. Because I want to keep posting unimportant things.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
More Monty Python - Silly Olympiad
Originally, the Philosophers' World Cup and this bit were together.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Best Monty Python sketch
Even though there are tons of funny parts of this sketch, my favorite moment is still when Karl Marx is on the touchline in his warm-ups.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Short story: "The PTA Surplus"
The only thing that Karen Franklin hated more than sleeping was waking up. She was aware of the obvious paradox; and only one thing helped her mind cope with that paradox: coffee. Coffee could prolong the waking hours. Coffee could ease the pain of the hour of waking. Karen drank and drank and drank coffee. She brewed a pot at home before starting the cross-town drive to Charles Ellis Junior High School each weekday morning. And she downed at least three cups of her home brew before walking out the door. Somedays, she took a to-go cup with a fourth serving. And if that cup was done before she reached the intersection of Vine and Cove (and it usually was), she would stop at Dunkin Donuts for a fifth cup.
Five cups of coffee on the average weekday before 8am.
"Mom, you drink too much coffee," her kids would remind her.
"What number is that?" her teacher co-workers would ask, referring to which cup she was on throughout the day.
"Thirteen!" was the most impressive number Karen remembered answering that question with. And she knew that wasn't her personal record though. She'd finished thirteen cups of coffee before school got out at 3:45pm, but then she'd brewed another pot at home after dinner. She'd been trying to cut back on the p.m. coffee...but she hated sleeping. And coffee battled sleep.
After dinner, she'd drink coffee and read. Or drink coffee and grade papers. Or drink coffee and chat with dinner guests. Or drink coffee and watch a movie with the family. Or drink coffee while her husband Ron told about his day.
When all coffee-related activities had wound down, it was late in the evening and Karen always had more preparations to do before English IV started the next morning. So she put off sleep with another cup of coffee way too late at night.
John Kreiss taught history at Charles Ellis Junior High School. Mr. Kreiss was voted "Teacher of the Year", narrowly edging out the Language Arts teacher Mrs. Franklin (maybe because of her pervasive coffee breath - maybe because Mr. Kreiss never assigned any projects). School was a haven for Mr. Kreiss. He loved teaching at the junior high level and he made history classes fun. He showed war movies and lectured in an animated fashion: one lesson he taught entirely from a foxhole formed from outdated geography textbooks and dot-matrix printer paper reams. He even had his own history podcast.
School was a haven because Mr. Kreiss hated being at home. Home for him was a boring, lonely apartment two blocks from school. His only companion was his bird Edsel who perched in a cage in the back of the history classroom at Charles Ellis. Edsel was a big hit with the students: he could recite the entire Gettysburg Address!
Mr. Kreiss, despite his popularity with the kids, was not the a favorite among the faculty.
Science teacher Mr. Crawford put it this way: "The man has no other obligations. All he is is a teacher - not a father, a husband, a provider. He can spend the entire morning and the entire evening perfecting his lesson plans and presentations. Where does one even get all that GI kit and gear?"
The answer to that question: Mr. Kreiss inherited most of it from his grandfather. The rest, he had made himself with his sewing machine.
Choir director Miss Witt said this: "It makes us look like bad teachers. I had kids say to me, 'Miss Witt, how come you never dress up like Beethoven or Bach for choir class?' It sets unrealistic expectations of what a lesson should be like. That man needs to get a wife or play fantasy football!"
And it didn't help that Principal Wilcox said this in faculty meeting one afternoon: "Let's keep submitting those lesson plans on time. Some of you haven't really been putting too much time into them. I want to see clear objectives and procedures. If you want a few suggestions for making those lessons come to life, Mr. Kreiss would be happy to oblige. Right, John?"
Mr. Kreiss attempted to mend fences last Christmas. He made a cookies for each of his colleagues and wrote a beautiful (and personalized) Christmas poem for each. This delightful gesture was not well-received. It made all of the other teachers feel that their store-bought Christmas cards were inadequate.
********
The fourteen teachers on faculty at Charles Ellis convened in the cramped conference room adjacent to the reception area. Principal Wilcox discussed several administrative issues and reminded everyone that their weekly lesson plans were inferior to Mr. Kreiss's plans. Then he punctuated the faculty meeting with an exciting announcement.
"The PTA has raised money for renovation of the teacher's lounge. They're moving the janitorial closets to the back of the facility, so the lounge is expanding. Work begins in two days. By next Monday, they'll have more space, a new table and chairs, a full-size refrigerator, a new counter, over-head cupboards, a new microwave, and a flat-screen television!"
Cheers for the flat-screen.
Wilcox continued. "We need a few ideas of what to do with a $400 surplus."
"Bunn coffee maker!" shouted Mrs. Franklin, not caring that both Mr. Calderon and Mr. Fritz winced at the sudden deafening outburst.
"I'm not taking suggestions now. Submit your suggestion in writing to reception by tomorrow morning. We'll take a few minutes after school tomorrow to vote. Maybe you can chat amongst yourselves and come up with the best possible use for that $400."
As Mr. Wilcox exited, the volley of ideas and arguments had already started.
Mrs. Franklin's campaign was the first heard in entirety.
"We have to have a Bunn. It makes coffee so fast! I mean, lightning fast! That coffee maker we have now - God bless it - is awful. I don't have time to make a pot of coffee during my free period. It takes the entire hour to brew! I might be exaggerating a little, but I'm sure I'm not alone when I say teachers can't afford the luxury of patience with trivial things like waiting for coffee."
"How much does a Bunn cost?" asked fellow coffee junkie Ms. Witt.
"Less than $400, I think," answered Mrs. Franklin. "I'll look it up. I think we can all agree on the Bunn, right?"
"Well, I like coffee as much as the next person," piped up Mr. Kreiss.
"Here we go," murmured someone.
"Of course," murmured someone else.
"I'm just saying...maybe we can table a few more ideas. Doesn't anyone have another suggestion?" Mr. Kreiss looked from face to face.
"A toaster?" said Tom Chung, who was only an assistant teacher. No one valued his input and no one acknowledged that he had spoken at all.
"How 'bout a popcorn machine?" said Coach Jameson.
"We're getting a new microwave, Tim. Why would we ever need a popcorn machine?" said Mrs. Franklin.
"What about a sofa?" asked Mr. Kreiss.
There was a pause. The idea seemed, at least, to stick more than Tim Jameson's popcorn machine idea.
Mr. Kreiss continued. "There are going to be more than one or two people in the lounge at a time. And we can't always sit around the table. Maybe we'd like to kick back with a magazine. Watch some TV. No matter how comfy the new chairs are, they're not going to beat a new sofa."
"Can we get a new sofa for $400?" asked Eric Chomsky, the math teacher.
Several people assured him that they could find a decent sofa for $400 if they knew where to look (and apparently they did know).
It was during this round of assurances that Mr. Kreiss and Mrs. Franklin made eye contact - Mrs. Franklin aware that her Bunn idea was failing in popularity, Mr. Kreiss drifting into full-combat mode.
His campaign was in full-swing now. "Can you even imagine a teacher's lounge without a sofa? We've gone far too long without it. I'd like to feel at home between classes."
"He's really got a good point. I think it should be a sofa," said Mr. Crawford.
A chorus seconded his motion. "Sofa." "Yeah, I like sofa." "Sofa...mmm-hmm." "I think we need a sofa more than a new coffee machine." "Coffee machine is fine. Sofa." "Sofa all the way."
"Let me make one more appeal for the Bunn." Mrs. Franklin stood up and walked around the table. She had a hand on the door knob before continuing. It was very dramatic. "I do think we could use a sofa. I commend Mr. Kreiss for coming up with such a great idea." She emphasized his name and gestured at the estranged history teacher with both hands. "Let me see a show of hands - how many of you actually make coffee with our teacher's lounge coffee maker? One...two...three of you. Ms. Witt: is it easy to make coffee using that old machine?"
"Not at all," answered Ms. Witt. "It's worn out and slow. Plus the buttons don't work all the time. One time, I pushed the brew button and went to do some copying. I came back and it hadn't started. I didn't get to drink any of the coffee I'd made. I got a really bad headache that day."
"What about you, Mr. Chomsky?" asked Mrs. Franklin.
"It's pretty tough, actually. Bunns are high quality and easy to use. We had one at my previous school in Des Moines..."
"Thank you, Mr. Chomsky," interrupted Mrs. Franklin. "My point is this: many of you enjoy the coffee but don't make it. You don't fully understand the foibles of the current coffee maker. Take my word and Ms. Witt's word and Eric's word: we need a new coffee maker. We need a Bunn. And we can get a new sofa when the PTA raises more money. This school's had a sofa-free faculty lounge for seventy-one years. The coffee crisis is a current crisis."
And she left the room. Tom Chung started an impassioned speech about a new toaster, but ten teachers left while he was speaking. The meeting was over.
********
Candace Phillips, the receptionist, turned in three proposals for the surplus spending the next morning. Tom Chung, toaster. Karen Franklin, Bunn coffee maker. And John Kreiss, sofa. Principal Wilcox immediately crumpled Tom Chung's proposal and threw it away.
"I like the sofa idea, Candace. What do you think," said the principal.
"It's tough. But I think we should get a coffee-maker. I tried to make coffee this morning...the machine is officially done."
"Done?"
"Broken. It doesn't work. No lights, no noises, no coffee."
"No coffee?"
"I'm sorry, sir."
"I guess we'll have to get that coffee maker then," said the principal.
John Kreiss appeared at the doorway. "What? We're getting the coffee maker? What about he couch?"
Candace said, "The old coffee maker is broken."
"We'll still vote on it, right?"
"Yes," answered Mr. Wilcox. "But I think your proposition will get voted down give the new situation."
"We can get a coffee maker for $39.99. We don't need a Bunn. We need a sofa. I've got the perfect sofa right here." He handed his boss a printout of a product summary from a furniture store's website.
"Is that leather?"
"Yup. Real leather."
Mr. Wilcox was astounded. "And is that the real price?"
"Yessir. It's marked down. They're having a blow-out sale. The time is right. But we have to act fast. The sale ends tomorrow."
"We'll vote at 3:50pm on the dot. I'll send out an email. What a deal! That sofa looks real comfortable. You'll let a principal sit on the teachers' sofa every now and then, right?"
The two shared a laugh and Mr. Kreiss hurried off to his second period class.
********
Mrs. Franklin clicked 'Send' on an email to all faculty (except Mr. Kreiss). She worried a bit that her tone would be read as cranky or angry. But she was. She had a coffee-withdrawal headache. She had skipped her Dunkin Donuts stop to get to school earlier than everyone else. And she had sabotaged the old coffee maker - a risky move that rendered her coffee-less for the entire workday, but that would almost guarantee the Bunn purchase.
This email would certainly rally any fence-sitters to her way of thinking:
Good morning, everyone! Sorry that there's no coffee this morning. I even brought some amazing French-Somalian blend to share - but the machine has brewed its last cup. May it rest in peace! :)
I don't want to play dirty here (I hope none of you will interpret this email that way), but I wanted to make a final statement to Mr. Kreiss's "sofa proposal." Many of you are aware that Mr. Kreiss virtually lives at school. He's here early; he stays late. He eats breakfast, lunch, and sometimes supper here. My husband told me that Mr. Kreiss's apartment has very few items of furniture in it. And why would he need apartment furniture? He lives at school! And we all know that Mr. Kreiss spends more time in the lounge than the rest of us. So in reality we're not getting a sofa: he's getting a sofa! If he wants a sofa so bad for his abode, he should pay for it out of his own pocket. On the other hand, almost all of us drink coffee. And we have no coffee maker in the lounge! Let's use this golden opportunity to upgrade to a Bunn. Vote Bunn this afternoon!
I promise you won't regret it. The French-Somalian blend is amazing!
Thanks! See you all at 3:50!
Karen
P.S. Maybe if we vote down Kreiss's "sofa proposal," he'll take us off his Christmas guilt-card list. ;) Win-win situation for everyone, right?
It was but five minutes later that Mr. Kreiss clicked 'Send' on an email to all faculty (including Mrs. Franklin) and cc'd to the principal.
Good morning, Charles Ellis Junior High Faculty!
Confession time! I just wanted to come clean over a few things. I'm going to go ahead and endorse Mrs. Franklin's proposal to purchase a Bunn coffee maker. Those things are amazing. This school's faculty is amazing - and they deserve a Bunn! :) I admit that my reasons for wanting that new sofa are pretty selfish. I use the lounge almost twice as much as any other teacher. I use that old toaster to heat my Pop-Tarts for breakfast. I warm up noodles for lunch in that old microwave. And sometimes, I even use that microwave for a TV dinner. Sounds pathetic...but I just like being at this school. It's kind of home to me. And you all have kind of become my family. My desire for a new sofa was almost like a desire for a sofa of my own. I had one picked out for my apartment (the one I showed you, Mr. Wilcox), and I jumped at the opportunity to get that couch for the lounge (I'd use it here more than at home!) with the PTA's money.
So here's a proposal I came up with this morning while I was making copies in the office early this morning (btw, Karen, sorry I didn't come out and say "Hi..." ;) saw you were pretty busy trying to get that old coffee machine to work...wasn't even sure you saw me in there!).
We all agree to get the Bunn. It's become the obvious choice. I'll go ahead and spring for the new sofa as a gift back to this wonderful school's faculty.
Re: to this email if you forgive me! Thanks, folks! :)
John
P.S. Edsel has passed on. The kids are pretty shaken up about it. We're having a little memorial service in my classroom right after school. Stop by and pay your respects. It would mean so much to the kids if you did. (My American History class will be reciting The Gettysburg Address in unison to honor Edsel's memory!)
********
By the end of the school day, Mr. Kreiss's inbox was full of replies to his apologetic email. The general consensus was that Mr. Kreiss was a pretty big-hearted guy and that Edsel was a "good bird" who had "lived a full life." Mr. Crawford had chummily suggested that Kreiss might as well buy the couch since he "might spend a few nights a week sleeping on it."
Mr. Crawford, Ms. Witt, Mrs. Franklin, Mr. Chomsky, and Coach Jameson all arrived at the history classroom for the memorial service together about five minutes after dismissal bell. Candace Phillips was already there. Otherwise, the room was completly vacated.
"Is the memorial for Edsel over?" asked Coach Jameson.
"I don't think it's started," answered Candace. "Mr. Kreiss was gone when I got here and that was practically seconds after the bell. Are you sure it's in here? I didn't get the email myself."
"Maybe the kids are supposed to go to their lockers or tell their rides that they're going to be a few minutes," suggested Ms. Witt. "Where's Edsel?"
"He's on the desk. Mr. Kreiss made him a little coffin out of popsicle sticks," said Candace.
"He looks so peaceful," noted Mr. Chomsky. "Like he's flying with the angels."
"By the way, they're not still voting about the PTA surplus, are they?" asked Karen.
Chomsky shook his head. "I shouldn't think so. I think we settled that with John's email. We're getting the Bunn and he's buying the couch."
The group of teachers and Candace stood in silence around Edsel's coffin for several moments. Moments stretched to minutes. Finally, Karen spoke.
"I have to get going. I've got to get dinner on the table by five. The kids have soccer. Tell John I'm sorry I couldn't stay."
"Yeah, maybe I should go, too," said Ms. Witt. "He'll understand."
As the two turned into the hallway, they ran into Principal Wilcox.
"Where were you two? I said 3:50," he said.
"3:50 for what?" asked Karen.
"The PTA vote! Bunn? New sofa?"
Karen blinked. Her shoulders slumped. "You....voted? What about John's email?"
"We were at the memorial for Edsel," said Ms. Witt. "No one showed up so we waited. We thought the vote was cancelled."
"Did I say the vote was cancelled? Last I checked, I'm still principal here. If I say we vote at 3:50, we vote at 3:50. Sofa wins - two votes to one. Only three people showed up to vote, counting yours truly."
Karen and Ms. Witt said nothing.
"Don't you want to know who showed up to vote?" asked Mr. Wilcox and then continued before waiting for a response. "Myself, John Kreiss, and Tom Chung. I voted Bunn. Tom and John voted sofa. Tom was still campaigning for a new toaster, but John said he'd buy a really nice toaster for him with the money he'd save by not having to spring for the sofa himself. I wonder if Chung really thinks there's going to be a toaster worth anywhere near $400."
Karen and Ms. Witt continued to say nothing.
"I think I'm okay with the sofa. It looks really comfy. Real leather."
"But what about the memorial service for Edsel?" Ms. Witt finally asked.
"They decided to postpone it until tomorrow afternoon. The American History class needed more time to practice The Gettysburg Address. Don't forget: clean out all food and personal items from the lounge. They're starting work on the weekend."
The Charles Ellis Junior High School hallway echoed with Mr. Wilcox's parting footsteps. The English teacher and the choir director stood dumbfounded, both with their heads in their hands.
"My head hurts," said Ms. Witt.
"I need coffee," said Mrs. Franklin.
Five cups of coffee on the average weekday before 8am.
"Mom, you drink too much coffee," her kids would remind her.
"What number is that?" her teacher co-workers would ask, referring to which cup she was on throughout the day.
"Thirteen!" was the most impressive number Karen remembered answering that question with. And she knew that wasn't her personal record though. She'd finished thirteen cups of coffee before school got out at 3:45pm, but then she'd brewed another pot at home after dinner. She'd been trying to cut back on the p.m. coffee...but she hated sleeping. And coffee battled sleep.
After dinner, she'd drink coffee and read. Or drink coffee and grade papers. Or drink coffee and chat with dinner guests. Or drink coffee and watch a movie with the family. Or drink coffee while her husband Ron told about his day.
When all coffee-related activities had wound down, it was late in the evening and Karen always had more preparations to do before English IV started the next morning. So she put off sleep with another cup of coffee way too late at night.
John Kreiss taught history at Charles Ellis Junior High School. Mr. Kreiss was voted "Teacher of the Year", narrowly edging out the Language Arts teacher Mrs. Franklin (maybe because of her pervasive coffee breath - maybe because Mr. Kreiss never assigned any projects). School was a haven for Mr. Kreiss. He loved teaching at the junior high level and he made history classes fun. He showed war movies and lectured in an animated fashion: one lesson he taught entirely from a foxhole formed from outdated geography textbooks and dot-matrix printer paper reams. He even had his own history podcast.
School was a haven because Mr. Kreiss hated being at home. Home for him was a boring, lonely apartment two blocks from school. His only companion was his bird Edsel who perched in a cage in the back of the history classroom at Charles Ellis. Edsel was a big hit with the students: he could recite the entire Gettysburg Address!
Mr. Kreiss, despite his popularity with the kids, was not the a favorite among the faculty.
Science teacher Mr. Crawford put it this way: "The man has no other obligations. All he is is a teacher - not a father, a husband, a provider. He can spend the entire morning and the entire evening perfecting his lesson plans and presentations. Where does one even get all that GI kit and gear?"
The answer to that question: Mr. Kreiss inherited most of it from his grandfather. The rest, he had made himself with his sewing machine.
Choir director Miss Witt said this: "It makes us look like bad teachers. I had kids say to me, 'Miss Witt, how come you never dress up like Beethoven or Bach for choir class?' It sets unrealistic expectations of what a lesson should be like. That man needs to get a wife or play fantasy football!"
And it didn't help that Principal Wilcox said this in faculty meeting one afternoon: "Let's keep submitting those lesson plans on time. Some of you haven't really been putting too much time into them. I want to see clear objectives and procedures. If you want a few suggestions for making those lessons come to life, Mr. Kreiss would be happy to oblige. Right, John?"
Mr. Kreiss attempted to mend fences last Christmas. He made a cookies for each of his colleagues and wrote a beautiful (and personalized) Christmas poem for each. This delightful gesture was not well-received. It made all of the other teachers feel that their store-bought Christmas cards were inadequate.
********
The fourteen teachers on faculty at Charles Ellis convened in the cramped conference room adjacent to the reception area. Principal Wilcox discussed several administrative issues and reminded everyone that their weekly lesson plans were inferior to Mr. Kreiss's plans. Then he punctuated the faculty meeting with an exciting announcement.
"The PTA has raised money for renovation of the teacher's lounge. They're moving the janitorial closets to the back of the facility, so the lounge is expanding. Work begins in two days. By next Monday, they'll have more space, a new table and chairs, a full-size refrigerator, a new counter, over-head cupboards, a new microwave, and a flat-screen television!"
Cheers for the flat-screen.
Wilcox continued. "We need a few ideas of what to do with a $400 surplus."
"Bunn coffee maker!" shouted Mrs. Franklin, not caring that both Mr. Calderon and Mr. Fritz winced at the sudden deafening outburst.
"I'm not taking suggestions now. Submit your suggestion in writing to reception by tomorrow morning. We'll take a few minutes after school tomorrow to vote. Maybe you can chat amongst yourselves and come up with the best possible use for that $400."
As Mr. Wilcox exited, the volley of ideas and arguments had already started.
Mrs. Franklin's campaign was the first heard in entirety.
"We have to have a Bunn. It makes coffee so fast! I mean, lightning fast! That coffee maker we have now - God bless it - is awful. I don't have time to make a pot of coffee during my free period. It takes the entire hour to brew! I might be exaggerating a little, but I'm sure I'm not alone when I say teachers can't afford the luxury of patience with trivial things like waiting for coffee."
"How much does a Bunn cost?" asked fellow coffee junkie Ms. Witt.
"Less than $400, I think," answered Mrs. Franklin. "I'll look it up. I think we can all agree on the Bunn, right?"
"Well, I like coffee as much as the next person," piped up Mr. Kreiss.
"Here we go," murmured someone.
"Of course," murmured someone else.
"I'm just saying...maybe we can table a few more ideas. Doesn't anyone have another suggestion?" Mr. Kreiss looked from face to face.
"A toaster?" said Tom Chung, who was only an assistant teacher. No one valued his input and no one acknowledged that he had spoken at all.
"How 'bout a popcorn machine?" said Coach Jameson.
"We're getting a new microwave, Tim. Why would we ever need a popcorn machine?" said Mrs. Franklin.
"What about a sofa?" asked Mr. Kreiss.
There was a pause. The idea seemed, at least, to stick more than Tim Jameson's popcorn machine idea.
Mr. Kreiss continued. "There are going to be more than one or two people in the lounge at a time. And we can't always sit around the table. Maybe we'd like to kick back with a magazine. Watch some TV. No matter how comfy the new chairs are, they're not going to beat a new sofa."
"Can we get a new sofa for $400?" asked Eric Chomsky, the math teacher.
Several people assured him that they could find a decent sofa for $400 if they knew where to look (and apparently they did know).
It was during this round of assurances that Mr. Kreiss and Mrs. Franklin made eye contact - Mrs. Franklin aware that her Bunn idea was failing in popularity, Mr. Kreiss drifting into full-combat mode.
His campaign was in full-swing now. "Can you even imagine a teacher's lounge without a sofa? We've gone far too long without it. I'd like to feel at home between classes."
"He's really got a good point. I think it should be a sofa," said Mr. Crawford.
A chorus seconded his motion. "Sofa." "Yeah, I like sofa." "Sofa...mmm-hmm." "I think we need a sofa more than a new coffee machine." "Coffee machine is fine. Sofa." "Sofa all the way."
"Let me make one more appeal for the Bunn." Mrs. Franklin stood up and walked around the table. She had a hand on the door knob before continuing. It was very dramatic. "I do think we could use a sofa. I commend Mr. Kreiss for coming up with such a great idea." She emphasized his name and gestured at the estranged history teacher with both hands. "Let me see a show of hands - how many of you actually make coffee with our teacher's lounge coffee maker? One...two...three of you. Ms. Witt: is it easy to make coffee using that old machine?"
"Not at all," answered Ms. Witt. "It's worn out and slow. Plus the buttons don't work all the time. One time, I pushed the brew button and went to do some copying. I came back and it hadn't started. I didn't get to drink any of the coffee I'd made. I got a really bad headache that day."
"What about you, Mr. Chomsky?" asked Mrs. Franklin.
"It's pretty tough, actually. Bunns are high quality and easy to use. We had one at my previous school in Des Moines..."
"Thank you, Mr. Chomsky," interrupted Mrs. Franklin. "My point is this: many of you enjoy the coffee but don't make it. You don't fully understand the foibles of the current coffee maker. Take my word and Ms. Witt's word and Eric's word: we need a new coffee maker. We need a Bunn. And we can get a new sofa when the PTA raises more money. This school's had a sofa-free faculty lounge for seventy-one years. The coffee crisis is a current crisis."
And she left the room. Tom Chung started an impassioned speech about a new toaster, but ten teachers left while he was speaking. The meeting was over.
********
Candace Phillips, the receptionist, turned in three proposals for the surplus spending the next morning. Tom Chung, toaster. Karen Franklin, Bunn coffee maker. And John Kreiss, sofa. Principal Wilcox immediately crumpled Tom Chung's proposal and threw it away.
"I like the sofa idea, Candace. What do you think," said the principal.
"It's tough. But I think we should get a coffee-maker. I tried to make coffee this morning...the machine is officially done."
"Done?"
"Broken. It doesn't work. No lights, no noises, no coffee."
"No coffee?"
"I'm sorry, sir."
"I guess we'll have to get that coffee maker then," said the principal.
John Kreiss appeared at the doorway. "What? We're getting the coffee maker? What about he couch?"
Candace said, "The old coffee maker is broken."
"We'll still vote on it, right?"
"Yes," answered Mr. Wilcox. "But I think your proposition will get voted down give the new situation."
"We can get a coffee maker for $39.99. We don't need a Bunn. We need a sofa. I've got the perfect sofa right here." He handed his boss a printout of a product summary from a furniture store's website.
"Is that leather?"
"Yup. Real leather."
Mr. Wilcox was astounded. "And is that the real price?"
"Yessir. It's marked down. They're having a blow-out sale. The time is right. But we have to act fast. The sale ends tomorrow."
"We'll vote at 3:50pm on the dot. I'll send out an email. What a deal! That sofa looks real comfortable. You'll let a principal sit on the teachers' sofa every now and then, right?"
The two shared a laugh and Mr. Kreiss hurried off to his second period class.
********
Mrs. Franklin clicked 'Send' on an email to all faculty (except Mr. Kreiss). She worried a bit that her tone would be read as cranky or angry. But she was. She had a coffee-withdrawal headache. She had skipped her Dunkin Donuts stop to get to school earlier than everyone else. And she had sabotaged the old coffee maker - a risky move that rendered her coffee-less for the entire workday, but that would almost guarantee the Bunn purchase.
This email would certainly rally any fence-sitters to her way of thinking:
Good morning, everyone! Sorry that there's no coffee this morning. I even brought some amazing French-Somalian blend to share - but the machine has brewed its last cup. May it rest in peace! :)
I don't want to play dirty here (I hope none of you will interpret this email that way), but I wanted to make a final statement to Mr. Kreiss's "sofa proposal." Many of you are aware that Mr. Kreiss virtually lives at school. He's here early; he stays late. He eats breakfast, lunch, and sometimes supper here. My husband told me that Mr. Kreiss's apartment has very few items of furniture in it. And why would he need apartment furniture? He lives at school! And we all know that Mr. Kreiss spends more time in the lounge than the rest of us. So in reality we're not getting a sofa: he's getting a sofa! If he wants a sofa so bad for his abode, he should pay for it out of his own pocket. On the other hand, almost all of us drink coffee. And we have no coffee maker in the lounge! Let's use this golden opportunity to upgrade to a Bunn. Vote Bunn this afternoon!
I promise you won't regret it. The French-Somalian blend is amazing!
Thanks! See you all at 3:50!
Karen
P.S. Maybe if we vote down Kreiss's "sofa proposal," he'll take us off his Christmas guilt-card list. ;) Win-win situation for everyone, right?
It was but five minutes later that Mr. Kreiss clicked 'Send' on an email to all faculty (including Mrs. Franklin) and cc'd to the principal.
Good morning, Charles Ellis Junior High Faculty!
Confession time! I just wanted to come clean over a few things. I'm going to go ahead and endorse Mrs. Franklin's proposal to purchase a Bunn coffee maker. Those things are amazing. This school's faculty is amazing - and they deserve a Bunn! :) I admit that my reasons for wanting that new sofa are pretty selfish. I use the lounge almost twice as much as any other teacher. I use that old toaster to heat my Pop-Tarts for breakfast. I warm up noodles for lunch in that old microwave. And sometimes, I even use that microwave for a TV dinner. Sounds pathetic...but I just like being at this school. It's kind of home to me. And you all have kind of become my family. My desire for a new sofa was almost like a desire for a sofa of my own. I had one picked out for my apartment (the one I showed you, Mr. Wilcox), and I jumped at the opportunity to get that couch for the lounge (I'd use it here more than at home!) with the PTA's money.
So here's a proposal I came up with this morning while I was making copies in the office early this morning (btw, Karen, sorry I didn't come out and say "Hi..." ;) saw you were pretty busy trying to get that old coffee machine to work...wasn't even sure you saw me in there!).
We all agree to get the Bunn. It's become the obvious choice. I'll go ahead and spring for the new sofa as a gift back to this wonderful school's faculty.
Re: to this email if you forgive me! Thanks, folks! :)
John
P.S. Edsel has passed on. The kids are pretty shaken up about it. We're having a little memorial service in my classroom right after school. Stop by and pay your respects. It would mean so much to the kids if you did. (My American History class will be reciting The Gettysburg Address in unison to honor Edsel's memory!)
********
By the end of the school day, Mr. Kreiss's inbox was full of replies to his apologetic email. The general consensus was that Mr. Kreiss was a pretty big-hearted guy and that Edsel was a "good bird" who had "lived a full life." Mr. Crawford had chummily suggested that Kreiss might as well buy the couch since he "might spend a few nights a week sleeping on it."
Mr. Crawford, Ms. Witt, Mrs. Franklin, Mr. Chomsky, and Coach Jameson all arrived at the history classroom for the memorial service together about five minutes after dismissal bell. Candace Phillips was already there. Otherwise, the room was completly vacated.
"Is the memorial for Edsel over?" asked Coach Jameson.
"I don't think it's started," answered Candace. "Mr. Kreiss was gone when I got here and that was practically seconds after the bell. Are you sure it's in here? I didn't get the email myself."
"Maybe the kids are supposed to go to their lockers or tell their rides that they're going to be a few minutes," suggested Ms. Witt. "Where's Edsel?"
"He's on the desk. Mr. Kreiss made him a little coffin out of popsicle sticks," said Candace.
"He looks so peaceful," noted Mr. Chomsky. "Like he's flying with the angels."
"By the way, they're not still voting about the PTA surplus, are they?" asked Karen.
Chomsky shook his head. "I shouldn't think so. I think we settled that with John's email. We're getting the Bunn and he's buying the couch."
The group of teachers and Candace stood in silence around Edsel's coffin for several moments. Moments stretched to minutes. Finally, Karen spoke.
"I have to get going. I've got to get dinner on the table by five. The kids have soccer. Tell John I'm sorry I couldn't stay."
"Yeah, maybe I should go, too," said Ms. Witt. "He'll understand."
As the two turned into the hallway, they ran into Principal Wilcox.
"Where were you two? I said 3:50," he said.
"3:50 for what?" asked Karen.
"The PTA vote! Bunn? New sofa?"
Karen blinked. Her shoulders slumped. "You....voted? What about John's email?"
"We were at the memorial for Edsel," said Ms. Witt. "No one showed up so we waited. We thought the vote was cancelled."
"Did I say the vote was cancelled? Last I checked, I'm still principal here. If I say we vote at 3:50, we vote at 3:50. Sofa wins - two votes to one. Only three people showed up to vote, counting yours truly."
Karen and Ms. Witt said nothing.
"Don't you want to know who showed up to vote?" asked Mr. Wilcox and then continued before waiting for a response. "Myself, John Kreiss, and Tom Chung. I voted Bunn. Tom and John voted sofa. Tom was still campaigning for a new toaster, but John said he'd buy a really nice toaster for him with the money he'd save by not having to spring for the sofa himself. I wonder if Chung really thinks there's going to be a toaster worth anywhere near $400."
Karen and Ms. Witt continued to say nothing.
"I think I'm okay with the sofa. It looks really comfy. Real leather."
"But what about the memorial service for Edsel?" Ms. Witt finally asked.
"They decided to postpone it until tomorrow afternoon. The American History class needed more time to practice The Gettysburg Address. Don't forget: clean out all food and personal items from the lounge. They're starting work on the weekend."
The Charles Ellis Junior High School hallway echoed with Mr. Wilcox's parting footsteps. The English teacher and the choir director stood dumbfounded, both with their heads in their hands.
"My head hurts," said Ms. Witt.
"I need coffee," said Mrs. Franklin.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Anderson's Free Kick in the Audi Cup (7/29)
This was Anderson's first goal (from open play) for United.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
I was there!
I wasn't there for all five goals, but I was there for No.1 (Etcheverry scoring from mid-field). In fact, if you pause the video and look really, really closely, you can probably see me near field level on the concourse (I haven't looked yet...I'm just assuming).
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Short Story - A Tall Order
A Tall Order
Sandy was a dwarf. But Sandy was not a mythical or literary dwarf as are so often found in works like Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs or Tolkien's The Lord of the Rings trilogy. Sandy was 3'4" tall because he suffered from dwarfism. Under crude circumstances, dwarfs such as Sandy were referred to as "midgets." But the appropriate term is "dwarf."
Sandy actually preferred the term "midget" to "dwarf." But it wasn't up to Sandy to decide what the appropriate non-offensive term was.
Sandy had only one true aspiration in life. He wanted to peform a leaping high five.
High fives are performed in this manner: two people approach each other or turn towards each other (possibly upon winning a game of Foosball or upon correctly answering three straight Jeopardy questions or upon learning that both hold a similar opinion about the acting prowess of Daniel Day-Lewis) and slap hands with each other high above their heads. Optimal high fives involve both the palms and the fingers slapping together to make a sharp cracking sound that momentarily brings ringing to the ears of those nearby. Optimal high fives also can result in initial numbness from the fingers of the fiving hand all the way up to the shoulder. Optimal high fives might also result in lingering soreness and heart failure.
Sandy had performed multiple high fives in his day. High fives were easy.
Leaping high fives are performed in this manner: two people (of similar height) run towards each other from considerable distance (possible upon scoring a touchdown at the Rose Bowl or upon surviving a gun battle with dozens of sub-machine gun-wielding South American drug traffickers) and, with keen timing, perform a high five at the apex of their simultaneous leaps. Optimal leaping high fives result in both fiving parties feeling a never-before-felt sense of exhiliaration and kamaraderie. A fine example of a well-executed leaping high five can be seen on the classic Nintendo video game Tecmo Bowl (often performed by such virtual athlete pairings as Bo Jackson/Marcus Allen, Joe Montana/Jerry Rice, and Jim McMahon/Walter Payton).
Sandy had never performed a leaping high five. Leaping high fives were (as the English often say...although not exclusively about leaping high fives) a "tricky wicket."
On June 23, 1996, Sandy attempted his first ever leaping high five with a friend from high school.
SANDY: Hey, Jerry! School's out for the summer! Leaping high five! (Sandy runs toward Jerry hopefully)
JERRY: Whoah, Sandy! What are you doing??!?
SANDY: ... (in mid-air)
JERRY: ... (receives Sandy's high-five at chest level)
SANDY: (upon landing) Aww...you did it wrong, Jerry! You're supposed to leap when I leap!
JERRY: Uh...Sandy. If I leap when you leap, you're gonna smack me in stomach...or worse. I don't think we can do a real leaping high five. I'm sorry.
Sandy discovered that, if he was ever going to perform a successful leaping high five, he was going to have to find someone of comparable height.
On October 1, 2002, Sandy attempted his second leaping high five with a random dwarf he met on the crosstown Metro bus.
SANDY: Excuse me, sir. I have a kind of funny question.
DWARF 2: ... (trying to ignore Sandy)
SANDY: Maybe you can help me out. I'm just working on this theory...
DWARF 2: Okay, man. I'll level with you. I don't want to to talk to you. Honestly, the chances are pretty slim that there are two dudes who suffer from dwarfism on the same crosstown Metro bus; so people are already prone to stare. And I hate it when people stare. Now, you come over and chat me up like we're part of some dwarf fraternity brotherhood thing. And look (uses broad sarcastic sweeping gesture to indicate dozens of other Metro passengers trying to not stare)...people are staring. And I hate that. They probably just can't wait to see what kind of bizarre secret handshake our little dwarf fraternity brotherhood worked out. So, no offense, bro, but let's just quit now while we both have a few fragments of dignity left. Okay?
SANDY: ...
DWARF 2: (exits at 2nd St)
Sandy's next discovery was that, if he was ever going to perform a successful leaping high five, he was going to have to find someone with a similar interest in leaping high fives.
On October 24, 2002, Sandy attempted his third leaping high five on the playground at Charles Ellis Elementary School.
SANDY: Hey kid. What's your name?
KID: Lawrence.
SANDY: Okay, Lawrence. Nice to meet you. My name's Sandy. Do you know what a high five is?
LAWRENCE: Of course. Only poopie brains don't know what a high five is. A high five is when two people approach each other or turn towards each other (possible upon...)...
SANDY: Okay, okay. You know what a high five is. But, do you know what a leaping high five is?
LAWRENCE: Uh...when you leap and high five? Duh!
SANDY: Smart kid. What grade are you in?
LAWRENCE: First. Why are you so short?
SANDY: Never mind that. Do you wanna try to do a leaping high five with me?
LAWRENCE: Okay.
SANDY: You go stand by the teeter-totters and when I say "Go," start running towards me. We'll jump in the air and high-five when we get meet right about where I put this stick (puts stick on the ground at the preferred high-fiving point)
TEACHER: What in the world is going on here? Who are you? Lawrence, do you know this man?
LAWRENCE: No, Miss Silvers.
SANDY: Aw, c'mon, Lawrence!
MISS SILVERS: Security!
SECURITY: (escorts Sandy from school premises)
After his efforts to high-five six-year old Lawrence, Sandy made a life-changing resolution and one final discovery: he was never going to give up his dream of successfully performing a leaping high five; and he was going to have to think outside the box. And when thinking outside the box, only one possible answer surfaced: trampoline.
On March 2, 2006, after years of saving his hard-earned money for a trampoline, Sandy attempted his fourth leaping high five with the aid of a 16' MegaBounce Trampoline and his old high school friend Jerry.
JERRY: (drinking a beer) Sandy, this leaping high five obsession of yours is especially unhealthy...and I know from unhealthy obsessions. Can you believe that mail lady actually filed for a restraining order? (burps)
SANDY: Put that down, Jerry. I need you to do a practice leap. That way I can see how high I need to bounce in order to meet your high five in mid-air.
JERRY: (does a practice leap)
SANDY: Seriously? That's as high as you can get? I thought you said you had a 42" vertical leap?
JERRY: I do. I just need to stretch out.
SANDY: ...
JERRY: (takes ten minutes to stretch out)
SANDY: ... (waits patiently, removes shoes, bounces on trampoline)
JERRY: Okay, I'm ready.
SANDY: Do another practice leap.
JERRY: (does second practice leap) How's that?
SANDY: Better. I think this is gonna work. I'm gonna do my own practice leap off the trampoline just to see how bad it hurts landing. Watch closely so you can gauge the impact point. Okay?
JERRY: Whatever, man. Just jump off.
SANDY: (bounces off trampoline and nimbly lands and rolls) Pretty good, huh? Think you can high-five me at my peak?
JERRY: Sure. Just like spiking a volleyball.
SANDY: Uh...maybe not exactly like that.
JERRY: Chill, dude. It'll be cool.
SANDY: Okay. You stand over there by the bird feeder. I'll be at the other end of the trampoline. When I say go, you start running and I'll start bouncing. I bounce off. You leap. We high five. I land and roll.
JERRY: Lock and load!
SANDY: GO! (starts bouncing towards the edge)
JERRY: (starts running toward the trampoline and leaps)
SANDY: (bounces off trampoline...)
The ringing in Sandy's ears was intolerably loud. The sharp pain in his right hand was exruciating. His entire arm tingled for hours. He suspected that his right shoulder might actually be out of place. For a brief moment, when Sandy's careening body struck the lawn, he thought he might have actually lost consciousness. His nimble barrel-roll landing had failed him. But...Sandy had successfully performed a leaping high five!
As he dusted himself down and picked himself up, he looked back at that glorious junction where he and his old high school buddy Jerry had achieved the unachievable with the glare of defiance and the glint of pride performing their own leaping high five in his dancing eyes. He clinched his fists and leapt triumphantly into the air. He wished that he had someone to perform a celebratory leaping high five with as a result of his victory. He wished that Lawrence or Dwarf 2 were present so he could rub their stupid faces in a huge stinking pile of this crowning moment.
On March 4, 2006, Sandy visited Jerry at County General Hospital.
SANDY: Hey, Jerry. How's it going?
JERRY: (only turning his eyes) Sandy? Is that you?
SANDY: None other, buddy. Man...they've got you strapped in there pretty good? What's the verdict?
JERRY: List's pretty long actually. Right shoulder is out of place. Cracked a rib and broke my pelvis when I hit that trampoline. Sprained my neck or something. Maybe it's just whiplash. I can't hear a thing these doctors say because my ears keep ringing. They seem pretty serious though. Keep asking me what I was doing.
SANDY: What did you tell them?
JERRY: I tell them the truth. I tell them Sandy, my dwarf friend from high school, was obsessed with doing a leaping high five; so I helped him out and I crashed into a trampoline.
SANDY: And did they believe you?
JERRY: I don't think so. They keep asking if I was drinking. Was I?
SANDY: Maybe a little bit.
JERRY: Some leaping high five though. Seriously, the best high five I've ever had the pleasure to be a part of - leaping or otherwise.
SANDY: Me too, Jerry. Me too.
Sandy was a dwarf. But Sandy was not a mythical or literary dwarf as are so often found in works like Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs or Tolkien's The Lord of the Rings trilogy. Sandy was 3'4" tall because he suffered from dwarfism. Under crude circumstances, dwarfs such as Sandy were referred to as "midgets." But the appropriate term is "dwarf."
Sandy actually preferred the term "midget" to "dwarf." But it wasn't up to Sandy to decide what the appropriate non-offensive term was.
Sandy had only one true aspiration in life. He wanted to peform a leaping high five.
High fives are performed in this manner: two people approach each other or turn towards each other (possibly upon winning a game of Foosball or upon correctly answering three straight Jeopardy questions or upon learning that both hold a similar opinion about the acting prowess of Daniel Day-Lewis) and slap hands with each other high above their heads. Optimal high fives involve both the palms and the fingers slapping together to make a sharp cracking sound that momentarily brings ringing to the ears of those nearby. Optimal high fives also can result in initial numbness from the fingers of the fiving hand all the way up to the shoulder. Optimal high fives might also result in lingering soreness and heart failure.
Sandy had performed multiple high fives in his day. High fives were easy.
Leaping high fives are performed in this manner: two people (of similar height) run towards each other from considerable distance (possible upon scoring a touchdown at the Rose Bowl or upon surviving a gun battle with dozens of sub-machine gun-wielding South American drug traffickers) and, with keen timing, perform a high five at the apex of their simultaneous leaps. Optimal leaping high fives result in both fiving parties feeling a never-before-felt sense of exhiliaration and kamaraderie. A fine example of a well-executed leaping high five can be seen on the classic Nintendo video game Tecmo Bowl (often performed by such virtual athlete pairings as Bo Jackson/Marcus Allen, Joe Montana/Jerry Rice, and Jim McMahon/Walter Payton).
Sandy had never performed a leaping high five. Leaping high fives were (as the English often say...although not exclusively about leaping high fives) a "tricky wicket."
On June 23, 1996, Sandy attempted his first ever leaping high five with a friend from high school.
SANDY: Hey, Jerry! School's out for the summer! Leaping high five! (Sandy runs toward Jerry hopefully)
JERRY: Whoah, Sandy! What are you doing??!?
SANDY: ... (in mid-air)
JERRY: ... (receives Sandy's high-five at chest level)
SANDY: (upon landing) Aww...you did it wrong, Jerry! You're supposed to leap when I leap!
JERRY: Uh...Sandy. If I leap when you leap, you're gonna smack me in stomach...or worse. I don't think we can do a real leaping high five. I'm sorry.
Sandy discovered that, if he was ever going to perform a successful leaping high five, he was going to have to find someone of comparable height.
On October 1, 2002, Sandy attempted his second leaping high five with a random dwarf he met on the crosstown Metro bus.
SANDY: Excuse me, sir. I have a kind of funny question.
DWARF 2: ... (trying to ignore Sandy)
SANDY: Maybe you can help me out. I'm just working on this theory...
DWARF 2: Okay, man. I'll level with you. I don't want to to talk to you. Honestly, the chances are pretty slim that there are two dudes who suffer from dwarfism on the same crosstown Metro bus; so people are already prone to stare. And I hate it when people stare. Now, you come over and chat me up like we're part of some dwarf fraternity brotherhood thing. And look (uses broad sarcastic sweeping gesture to indicate dozens of other Metro passengers trying to not stare)...people are staring. And I hate that. They probably just can't wait to see what kind of bizarre secret handshake our little dwarf fraternity brotherhood worked out. So, no offense, bro, but let's just quit now while we both have a few fragments of dignity left. Okay?
SANDY: ...
DWARF 2: (exits at 2nd St)
Sandy's next discovery was that, if he was ever going to perform a successful leaping high five, he was going to have to find someone with a similar interest in leaping high fives.
On October 24, 2002, Sandy attempted his third leaping high five on the playground at Charles Ellis Elementary School.
SANDY: Hey kid. What's your name?
KID: Lawrence.
SANDY: Okay, Lawrence. Nice to meet you. My name's Sandy. Do you know what a high five is?
LAWRENCE: Of course. Only poopie brains don't know what a high five is. A high five is when two people approach each other or turn towards each other (possible upon...)...
SANDY: Okay, okay. You know what a high five is. But, do you know what a leaping high five is?
LAWRENCE: Uh...when you leap and high five? Duh!
SANDY: Smart kid. What grade are you in?
LAWRENCE: First. Why are you so short?
SANDY: Never mind that. Do you wanna try to do a leaping high five with me?
LAWRENCE: Okay.
SANDY: You go stand by the teeter-totters and when I say "Go," start running towards me. We'll jump in the air and high-five when we get meet right about where I put this stick (puts stick on the ground at the preferred high-fiving point)
TEACHER: What in the world is going on here? Who are you? Lawrence, do you know this man?
LAWRENCE: No, Miss Silvers.
SANDY: Aw, c'mon, Lawrence!
MISS SILVERS: Security!
SECURITY: (escorts Sandy from school premises)
After his efforts to high-five six-year old Lawrence, Sandy made a life-changing resolution and one final discovery: he was never going to give up his dream of successfully performing a leaping high five; and he was going to have to think outside the box. And when thinking outside the box, only one possible answer surfaced: trampoline.
On March 2, 2006, after years of saving his hard-earned money for a trampoline, Sandy attempted his fourth leaping high five with the aid of a 16' MegaBounce Trampoline and his old high school friend Jerry.
JERRY: (drinking a beer) Sandy, this leaping high five obsession of yours is especially unhealthy...and I know from unhealthy obsessions. Can you believe that mail lady actually filed for a restraining order? (burps)
SANDY: Put that down, Jerry. I need you to do a practice leap. That way I can see how high I need to bounce in order to meet your high five in mid-air.
JERRY: (does a practice leap)
SANDY: Seriously? That's as high as you can get? I thought you said you had a 42" vertical leap?
JERRY: I do. I just need to stretch out.
SANDY: ...
JERRY: (takes ten minutes to stretch out)
SANDY: ... (waits patiently, removes shoes, bounces on trampoline)
JERRY: Okay, I'm ready.
SANDY: Do another practice leap.
JERRY: (does second practice leap) How's that?
SANDY: Better. I think this is gonna work. I'm gonna do my own practice leap off the trampoline just to see how bad it hurts landing. Watch closely so you can gauge the impact point. Okay?
JERRY: Whatever, man. Just jump off.
SANDY: (bounces off trampoline and nimbly lands and rolls) Pretty good, huh? Think you can high-five me at my peak?
JERRY: Sure. Just like spiking a volleyball.
SANDY: Uh...maybe not exactly like that.
JERRY: Chill, dude. It'll be cool.
SANDY: Okay. You stand over there by the bird feeder. I'll be at the other end of the trampoline. When I say go, you start running and I'll start bouncing. I bounce off. You leap. We high five. I land and roll.
JERRY: Lock and load!
SANDY: GO! (starts bouncing towards the edge)
JERRY: (starts running toward the trampoline and leaps)
SANDY: (bounces off trampoline...)
The ringing in Sandy's ears was intolerably loud. The sharp pain in his right hand was exruciating. His entire arm tingled for hours. He suspected that his right shoulder might actually be out of place. For a brief moment, when Sandy's careening body struck the lawn, he thought he might have actually lost consciousness. His nimble barrel-roll landing had failed him. But...Sandy had successfully performed a leaping high five!
As he dusted himself down and picked himself up, he looked back at that glorious junction where he and his old high school buddy Jerry had achieved the unachievable with the glare of defiance and the glint of pride performing their own leaping high five in his dancing eyes. He clinched his fists and leapt triumphantly into the air. He wished that he had someone to perform a celebratory leaping high five with as a result of his victory. He wished that Lawrence or Dwarf 2 were present so he could rub their stupid faces in a huge stinking pile of this crowning moment.
On March 4, 2006, Sandy visited Jerry at County General Hospital.
SANDY: Hey, Jerry. How's it going?
JERRY: (only turning his eyes) Sandy? Is that you?
SANDY: None other, buddy. Man...they've got you strapped in there pretty good? What's the verdict?
JERRY: List's pretty long actually. Right shoulder is out of place. Cracked a rib and broke my pelvis when I hit that trampoline. Sprained my neck or something. Maybe it's just whiplash. I can't hear a thing these doctors say because my ears keep ringing. They seem pretty serious though. Keep asking me what I was doing.
SANDY: What did you tell them?
JERRY: I tell them the truth. I tell them Sandy, my dwarf friend from high school, was obsessed with doing a leaping high five; so I helped him out and I crashed into a trampoline.
SANDY: And did they believe you?
JERRY: I don't think so. They keep asking if I was drinking. Was I?
SANDY: Maybe a little bit.
JERRY: Some leaping high five though. Seriously, the best high five I've ever had the pleasure to be a part of - leaping or otherwise.
SANDY: Me too, Jerry. Me too.
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