One of my freshmen talked like an android for the entire period yesterday. I had no problem with that: it meant that he talked less because he had to keep remembering to use his android voice. It was one of my quietest 5th periods to date.
Android freshman gave up on that today. I guess he's showing off an array of thespian abilities. Today's task: be sad. He gave a weepy prayer request that he needed to find Joy. I looked up later in class, and he had cried two symmetrical tears from each eye. He was ironically overjoyed with his ability to cry on cue like a real Hollywood actor (like Britney Spears).
I guess I should have given this anecdote previously. I was saying something along these lines when talking about medieval pageant wagons - "...if you consider yourself some sort of serious big-time actor, like ... well I can't think of anyone right now." (don't ask about the complete context because I don't remember) - and one of my seniors offered the great screen legend...Britney Spears. I gave him "the look" and a B for daily participation.
One of my juniors bought me a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles comic book last week. I don't think he even knew it was my birthday. The backstory there: last semester, I set some sort of teaching record by alluding to the Ninja Turtles in like 88 straight 6th period classes. I guess he was (rightly) impressed. (One of my better allusions was when I said Daren looked like a member of the Foot Clan when he had his hoodie bunched over his face. I also liked my comparison of the greenish fruit punch at the Senior party to mutant ooze.)
I personally enjoy greeting the early junior high arrivals with renditions of "Good Morning!" and "How's Everyone Doing?" in my ethereal falsetto singing voice. They've started doing it back and it's really funny. It's especially funny that they think it's falsetto when it's actually just their voice cracking (kidding).
The new trend is "roundhouse high fives." No explanation needed. They're dangerous though. Don't walk by during.
Showing posts with label high-fives. Show all posts
Showing posts with label high-fives. Show all posts
Friday, September 4, 2009
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Short Story - A Tall Order
A Tall Order
Sandy was a dwarf. But Sandy was not a mythical or literary dwarf as are so often found in works like Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs or Tolkien's The Lord of the Rings trilogy. Sandy was 3'4" tall because he suffered from dwarfism. Under crude circumstances, dwarfs such as Sandy were referred to as "midgets." But the appropriate term is "dwarf."
Sandy actually preferred the term "midget" to "dwarf." But it wasn't up to Sandy to decide what the appropriate non-offensive term was.
Sandy had only one true aspiration in life. He wanted to peform a leaping high five.
High fives are performed in this manner: two people approach each other or turn towards each other (possibly upon winning a game of Foosball or upon correctly answering three straight Jeopardy questions or upon learning that both hold a similar opinion about the acting prowess of Daniel Day-Lewis) and slap hands with each other high above their heads. Optimal high fives involve both the palms and the fingers slapping together to make a sharp cracking sound that momentarily brings ringing to the ears of those nearby. Optimal high fives also can result in initial numbness from the fingers of the fiving hand all the way up to the shoulder. Optimal high fives might also result in lingering soreness and heart failure.
Sandy had performed multiple high fives in his day. High fives were easy.
Leaping high fives are performed in this manner: two people (of similar height) run towards each other from considerable distance (possible upon scoring a touchdown at the Rose Bowl or upon surviving a gun battle with dozens of sub-machine gun-wielding South American drug traffickers) and, with keen timing, perform a high five at the apex of their simultaneous leaps. Optimal leaping high fives result in both fiving parties feeling a never-before-felt sense of exhiliaration and kamaraderie. A fine example of a well-executed leaping high five can be seen on the classic Nintendo video game Tecmo Bowl (often performed by such virtual athlete pairings as Bo Jackson/Marcus Allen, Joe Montana/Jerry Rice, and Jim McMahon/Walter Payton).
Sandy had never performed a leaping high five. Leaping high fives were (as the English often say...although not exclusively about leaping high fives) a "tricky wicket."
On June 23, 1996, Sandy attempted his first ever leaping high five with a friend from high school.
SANDY: Hey, Jerry! School's out for the summer! Leaping high five! (Sandy runs toward Jerry hopefully)
JERRY: Whoah, Sandy! What are you doing??!?
SANDY: ... (in mid-air)
JERRY: ... (receives Sandy's high-five at chest level)
SANDY: (upon landing) Aww...you did it wrong, Jerry! You're supposed to leap when I leap!
JERRY: Uh...Sandy. If I leap when you leap, you're gonna smack me in stomach...or worse. I don't think we can do a real leaping high five. I'm sorry.
Sandy discovered that, if he was ever going to perform a successful leaping high five, he was going to have to find someone of comparable height.
On October 1, 2002, Sandy attempted his second leaping high five with a random dwarf he met on the crosstown Metro bus.
SANDY: Excuse me, sir. I have a kind of funny question.
DWARF 2: ... (trying to ignore Sandy)
SANDY: Maybe you can help me out. I'm just working on this theory...
DWARF 2: Okay, man. I'll level with you. I don't want to to talk to you. Honestly, the chances are pretty slim that there are two dudes who suffer from dwarfism on the same crosstown Metro bus; so people are already prone to stare. And I hate it when people stare. Now, you come over and chat me up like we're part of some dwarf fraternity brotherhood thing. And look (uses broad sarcastic sweeping gesture to indicate dozens of other Metro passengers trying to not stare)...people are staring. And I hate that. They probably just can't wait to see what kind of bizarre secret handshake our little dwarf fraternity brotherhood worked out. So, no offense, bro, but let's just quit now while we both have a few fragments of dignity left. Okay?
SANDY: ...
DWARF 2: (exits at 2nd St)
Sandy's next discovery was that, if he was ever going to perform a successful leaping high five, he was going to have to find someone with a similar interest in leaping high fives.
On October 24, 2002, Sandy attempted his third leaping high five on the playground at Charles Ellis Elementary School.
SANDY: Hey kid. What's your name?
KID: Lawrence.
SANDY: Okay, Lawrence. Nice to meet you. My name's Sandy. Do you know what a high five is?
LAWRENCE: Of course. Only poopie brains don't know what a high five is. A high five is when two people approach each other or turn towards each other (possible upon...)...
SANDY: Okay, okay. You know what a high five is. But, do you know what a leaping high five is?
LAWRENCE: Uh...when you leap and high five? Duh!
SANDY: Smart kid. What grade are you in?
LAWRENCE: First. Why are you so short?
SANDY: Never mind that. Do you wanna try to do a leaping high five with me?
LAWRENCE: Okay.
SANDY: You go stand by the teeter-totters and when I say "Go," start running towards me. We'll jump in the air and high-five when we get meet right about where I put this stick (puts stick on the ground at the preferred high-fiving point)
TEACHER: What in the world is going on here? Who are you? Lawrence, do you know this man?
LAWRENCE: No, Miss Silvers.
SANDY: Aw, c'mon, Lawrence!
MISS SILVERS: Security!
SECURITY: (escorts Sandy from school premises)
After his efforts to high-five six-year old Lawrence, Sandy made a life-changing resolution and one final discovery: he was never going to give up his dream of successfully performing a leaping high five; and he was going to have to think outside the box. And when thinking outside the box, only one possible answer surfaced: trampoline.
On March 2, 2006, after years of saving his hard-earned money for a trampoline, Sandy attempted his fourth leaping high five with the aid of a 16' MegaBounce Trampoline and his old high school friend Jerry.
JERRY: (drinking a beer) Sandy, this leaping high five obsession of yours is especially unhealthy...and I know from unhealthy obsessions. Can you believe that mail lady actually filed for a restraining order? (burps)
SANDY: Put that down, Jerry. I need you to do a practice leap. That way I can see how high I need to bounce in order to meet your high five in mid-air.
JERRY: (does a practice leap)
SANDY: Seriously? That's as high as you can get? I thought you said you had a 42" vertical leap?
JERRY: I do. I just need to stretch out.
SANDY: ...
JERRY: (takes ten minutes to stretch out)
SANDY: ... (waits patiently, removes shoes, bounces on trampoline)
JERRY: Okay, I'm ready.
SANDY: Do another practice leap.
JERRY: (does second practice leap) How's that?
SANDY: Better. I think this is gonna work. I'm gonna do my own practice leap off the trampoline just to see how bad it hurts landing. Watch closely so you can gauge the impact point. Okay?
JERRY: Whatever, man. Just jump off.
SANDY: (bounces off trampoline and nimbly lands and rolls) Pretty good, huh? Think you can high-five me at my peak?
JERRY: Sure. Just like spiking a volleyball.
SANDY: Uh...maybe not exactly like that.
JERRY: Chill, dude. It'll be cool.
SANDY: Okay. You stand over there by the bird feeder. I'll be at the other end of the trampoline. When I say go, you start running and I'll start bouncing. I bounce off. You leap. We high five. I land and roll.
JERRY: Lock and load!
SANDY: GO! (starts bouncing towards the edge)
JERRY: (starts running toward the trampoline and leaps)
SANDY: (bounces off trampoline...)
The ringing in Sandy's ears was intolerably loud. The sharp pain in his right hand was exruciating. His entire arm tingled for hours. He suspected that his right shoulder might actually be out of place. For a brief moment, when Sandy's careening body struck the lawn, he thought he might have actually lost consciousness. His nimble barrel-roll landing had failed him. But...Sandy had successfully performed a leaping high five!
As he dusted himself down and picked himself up, he looked back at that glorious junction where he and his old high school buddy Jerry had achieved the unachievable with the glare of defiance and the glint of pride performing their own leaping high five in his dancing eyes. He clinched his fists and leapt triumphantly into the air. He wished that he had someone to perform a celebratory leaping high five with as a result of his victory. He wished that Lawrence or Dwarf 2 were present so he could rub their stupid faces in a huge stinking pile of this crowning moment.
On March 4, 2006, Sandy visited Jerry at County General Hospital.
SANDY: Hey, Jerry. How's it going?
JERRY: (only turning his eyes) Sandy? Is that you?
SANDY: None other, buddy. Man...they've got you strapped in there pretty good? What's the verdict?
JERRY: List's pretty long actually. Right shoulder is out of place. Cracked a rib and broke my pelvis when I hit that trampoline. Sprained my neck or something. Maybe it's just whiplash. I can't hear a thing these doctors say because my ears keep ringing. They seem pretty serious though. Keep asking me what I was doing.
SANDY: What did you tell them?
JERRY: I tell them the truth. I tell them Sandy, my dwarf friend from high school, was obsessed with doing a leaping high five; so I helped him out and I crashed into a trampoline.
SANDY: And did they believe you?
JERRY: I don't think so. They keep asking if I was drinking. Was I?
SANDY: Maybe a little bit.
JERRY: Some leaping high five though. Seriously, the best high five I've ever had the pleasure to be a part of - leaping or otherwise.
SANDY: Me too, Jerry. Me too.
Sandy was a dwarf. But Sandy was not a mythical or literary dwarf as are so often found in works like Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs or Tolkien's The Lord of the Rings trilogy. Sandy was 3'4" tall because he suffered from dwarfism. Under crude circumstances, dwarfs such as Sandy were referred to as "midgets." But the appropriate term is "dwarf."
Sandy actually preferred the term "midget" to "dwarf." But it wasn't up to Sandy to decide what the appropriate non-offensive term was.
Sandy had only one true aspiration in life. He wanted to peform a leaping high five.
High fives are performed in this manner: two people approach each other or turn towards each other (possibly upon winning a game of Foosball or upon correctly answering three straight Jeopardy questions or upon learning that both hold a similar opinion about the acting prowess of Daniel Day-Lewis) and slap hands with each other high above their heads. Optimal high fives involve both the palms and the fingers slapping together to make a sharp cracking sound that momentarily brings ringing to the ears of those nearby. Optimal high fives also can result in initial numbness from the fingers of the fiving hand all the way up to the shoulder. Optimal high fives might also result in lingering soreness and heart failure.
Sandy had performed multiple high fives in his day. High fives were easy.
Leaping high fives are performed in this manner: two people (of similar height) run towards each other from considerable distance (possible upon scoring a touchdown at the Rose Bowl or upon surviving a gun battle with dozens of sub-machine gun-wielding South American drug traffickers) and, with keen timing, perform a high five at the apex of their simultaneous leaps. Optimal leaping high fives result in both fiving parties feeling a never-before-felt sense of exhiliaration and kamaraderie. A fine example of a well-executed leaping high five can be seen on the classic Nintendo video game Tecmo Bowl (often performed by such virtual athlete pairings as Bo Jackson/Marcus Allen, Joe Montana/Jerry Rice, and Jim McMahon/Walter Payton).
Sandy had never performed a leaping high five. Leaping high fives were (as the English often say...although not exclusively about leaping high fives) a "tricky wicket."
On June 23, 1996, Sandy attempted his first ever leaping high five with a friend from high school.
SANDY: Hey, Jerry! School's out for the summer! Leaping high five! (Sandy runs toward Jerry hopefully)
JERRY: Whoah, Sandy! What are you doing??!?
SANDY: ... (in mid-air)
JERRY: ... (receives Sandy's high-five at chest level)
SANDY: (upon landing) Aww...you did it wrong, Jerry! You're supposed to leap when I leap!
JERRY: Uh...Sandy. If I leap when you leap, you're gonna smack me in stomach...or worse. I don't think we can do a real leaping high five. I'm sorry.
Sandy discovered that, if he was ever going to perform a successful leaping high five, he was going to have to find someone of comparable height.
On October 1, 2002, Sandy attempted his second leaping high five with a random dwarf he met on the crosstown Metro bus.
SANDY: Excuse me, sir. I have a kind of funny question.
DWARF 2: ... (trying to ignore Sandy)
SANDY: Maybe you can help me out. I'm just working on this theory...
DWARF 2: Okay, man. I'll level with you. I don't want to to talk to you. Honestly, the chances are pretty slim that there are two dudes who suffer from dwarfism on the same crosstown Metro bus; so people are already prone to stare. And I hate it when people stare. Now, you come over and chat me up like we're part of some dwarf fraternity brotherhood thing. And look (uses broad sarcastic sweeping gesture to indicate dozens of other Metro passengers trying to not stare)...people are staring. And I hate that. They probably just can't wait to see what kind of bizarre secret handshake our little dwarf fraternity brotherhood worked out. So, no offense, bro, but let's just quit now while we both have a few fragments of dignity left. Okay?
SANDY: ...
DWARF 2: (exits at 2nd St)
Sandy's next discovery was that, if he was ever going to perform a successful leaping high five, he was going to have to find someone with a similar interest in leaping high fives.
On October 24, 2002, Sandy attempted his third leaping high five on the playground at Charles Ellis Elementary School.
SANDY: Hey kid. What's your name?
KID: Lawrence.
SANDY: Okay, Lawrence. Nice to meet you. My name's Sandy. Do you know what a high five is?
LAWRENCE: Of course. Only poopie brains don't know what a high five is. A high five is when two people approach each other or turn towards each other (possible upon...)...
SANDY: Okay, okay. You know what a high five is. But, do you know what a leaping high five is?
LAWRENCE: Uh...when you leap and high five? Duh!
SANDY: Smart kid. What grade are you in?
LAWRENCE: First. Why are you so short?
SANDY: Never mind that. Do you wanna try to do a leaping high five with me?
LAWRENCE: Okay.
SANDY: You go stand by the teeter-totters and when I say "Go," start running towards me. We'll jump in the air and high-five when we get meet right about where I put this stick (puts stick on the ground at the preferred high-fiving point)
TEACHER: What in the world is going on here? Who are you? Lawrence, do you know this man?
LAWRENCE: No, Miss Silvers.
SANDY: Aw, c'mon, Lawrence!
MISS SILVERS: Security!
SECURITY: (escorts Sandy from school premises)
After his efforts to high-five six-year old Lawrence, Sandy made a life-changing resolution and one final discovery: he was never going to give up his dream of successfully performing a leaping high five; and he was going to have to think outside the box. And when thinking outside the box, only one possible answer surfaced: trampoline.
On March 2, 2006, after years of saving his hard-earned money for a trampoline, Sandy attempted his fourth leaping high five with the aid of a 16' MegaBounce Trampoline and his old high school friend Jerry.
JERRY: (drinking a beer) Sandy, this leaping high five obsession of yours is especially unhealthy...and I know from unhealthy obsessions. Can you believe that mail lady actually filed for a restraining order? (burps)
SANDY: Put that down, Jerry. I need you to do a practice leap. That way I can see how high I need to bounce in order to meet your high five in mid-air.
JERRY: (does a practice leap)
SANDY: Seriously? That's as high as you can get? I thought you said you had a 42" vertical leap?
JERRY: I do. I just need to stretch out.
SANDY: ...
JERRY: (takes ten minutes to stretch out)
SANDY: ... (waits patiently, removes shoes, bounces on trampoline)
JERRY: Okay, I'm ready.
SANDY: Do another practice leap.
JERRY: (does second practice leap) How's that?
SANDY: Better. I think this is gonna work. I'm gonna do my own practice leap off the trampoline just to see how bad it hurts landing. Watch closely so you can gauge the impact point. Okay?
JERRY: Whatever, man. Just jump off.
SANDY: (bounces off trampoline and nimbly lands and rolls) Pretty good, huh? Think you can high-five me at my peak?
JERRY: Sure. Just like spiking a volleyball.
SANDY: Uh...maybe not exactly like that.
JERRY: Chill, dude. It'll be cool.
SANDY: Okay. You stand over there by the bird feeder. I'll be at the other end of the trampoline. When I say go, you start running and I'll start bouncing. I bounce off. You leap. We high five. I land and roll.
JERRY: Lock and load!
SANDY: GO! (starts bouncing towards the edge)
JERRY: (starts running toward the trampoline and leaps)
SANDY: (bounces off trampoline...)
The ringing in Sandy's ears was intolerably loud. The sharp pain in his right hand was exruciating. His entire arm tingled for hours. He suspected that his right shoulder might actually be out of place. For a brief moment, when Sandy's careening body struck the lawn, he thought he might have actually lost consciousness. His nimble barrel-roll landing had failed him. But...Sandy had successfully performed a leaping high five!
As he dusted himself down and picked himself up, he looked back at that glorious junction where he and his old high school buddy Jerry had achieved the unachievable with the glare of defiance and the glint of pride performing their own leaping high five in his dancing eyes. He clinched his fists and leapt triumphantly into the air. He wished that he had someone to perform a celebratory leaping high five with as a result of his victory. He wished that Lawrence or Dwarf 2 were present so he could rub their stupid faces in a huge stinking pile of this crowning moment.
On March 4, 2006, Sandy visited Jerry at County General Hospital.
SANDY: Hey, Jerry. How's it going?
JERRY: (only turning his eyes) Sandy? Is that you?
SANDY: None other, buddy. Man...they've got you strapped in there pretty good? What's the verdict?
JERRY: List's pretty long actually. Right shoulder is out of place. Cracked a rib and broke my pelvis when I hit that trampoline. Sprained my neck or something. Maybe it's just whiplash. I can't hear a thing these doctors say because my ears keep ringing. They seem pretty serious though. Keep asking me what I was doing.
SANDY: What did you tell them?
JERRY: I tell them the truth. I tell them Sandy, my dwarf friend from high school, was obsessed with doing a leaping high five; so I helped him out and I crashed into a trampoline.
SANDY: And did they believe you?
JERRY: I don't think so. They keep asking if I was drinking. Was I?
SANDY: Maybe a little bit.
JERRY: Some leaping high five though. Seriously, the best high five I've ever had the pleasure to be a part of - leaping or otherwise.
SANDY: Me too, Jerry. Me too.
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